Being a postpartum mom is completely exhausting, and not for the reasons you think.
I love getting up with my son in the night, especially since he only requires it of me once or twice. That is not why I'm tired.
I love taking naps in the daytime if I do find myself bushwacked, as my hubby is home and that is always an option for me. Again, not why I'm tired.
I love sending my older kids into the toy room when they come traipsing in in the morning to watch a "show." They keep themselves occupied and dad and I continue to snooze away until Austin needs us. So no, that is not why I am tired.
I am tired because it turns out that I am a completely hormonal whack job who likes to torment herself in the night.
Case in point: a few nights ago, as Brad and I riled up Austin for his now customary 8-10 pm "awake time," we started watching The Fugitive. A great, great movie and one that I have seen a number of times. I. Know. How. It. Ends. And I know that it's just a movie. But on this night, in this hormonally charged brain, I let it run a little too wild. The beginning of the movie freaked me out and I found myself getting all worked up over the one-armed man. I worked myself into such a lather that when Brad and I finally went to bed, I asked him to tell me a story so that I would stop thinking about it.
It didn't work.
I laid awake for quite some time, thinking of the one-armed man who was on his way to my house to murder us all in our sleep. (Except for me, I would be awake waiting for him and thus get to witness the killing of my entire family.) How I hate it when I'm psychotic.
Can you say prescription for Xanax three times fast?
I managed to fall asleep after awhile, but when I woke up to feed Austin, I found myself right back in the throes of a fight scene, but dear Harrison was no where around to protect me. Then the house noises started in and I kept peering into the night to wait for the one-armed man. After finishing with Austin and checking the kids in their rooms, as well as making a trip downstairs to make sure all was well, I finally retired to bed. And shockingly, the one-armed man never made his appearance.
Fast forward to the next day where I noticed a rash on my legs as I got out of the shower. Now, a normal person would think something along the lines of heat rash, since it's 100+ degrees out and maybe an allergic reaction to the new lotion I'm using. But no, not me.
Now I'm convinced I have leukemia. And I lay awake at night drafting letters to my kids for them to read on their wedding days since I will be DEAD.
Party of one for padded room? Check. Me. In.
What's weird about all of this is that I'm usually such an upbeat, positive person. And I still feel that way throughout the day. But at night, when I'm awake with sweet Austin and completely in awe of just how good my life is, I create ways to make the other shoe drop. Like I don't deserve this life or the good things that have come to me. Can someone get Freud on the line? I'm sure he could solve this lickety-split.
Luckily, the rational side of me knows that this is all hogwash and that I am indeed fine and right on track for a postpartum mama. I don't really think that someone is coming to kill me and my family and I know that my health is intact. Logically, I know that. But in the middle of the night, psychosis creeps in and I start making Britney look like my mature younger sibling.
In the meantime, it's exhausting. Exhausting to be so classically senile, exhausting to waste all this energy on bad things and morbid thoughts, exhausting to be in my head. I'm more than ready for the great hormonal flood of 2008 to come screaming through my body and wash away all this craziness, because while crazy and I might do okay as distant cousins, we don't do well all buddy-buddy like this.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Day 9
Day 9 in the life of Austin is completely dreamy. He slept for two, count them TWO four hour stretches last night and let mama rest up which was so wonderful. He is eating like a champ, growing like a weed, and time is flying by way faster than I want it to. How can my last little man already be a week old?
I love him so.
One of the very best things about having a newborn is watching my other children with him. They eat him up. They are amazingly helpful and always want to do what's best for Austin. It's been so neat for Brad and I to watch them grow and mature since his arrival.
I love them so.
And my dear husband, who radiates his perfection in fatherhood continues to blow my mind. He is all too happy to sit and rock baby boy in the middle of the night if need be and still manages to hop out of bed with the other kids first thing in the morning. He's been making meals, cleaning house, and entertaining the kids nonstop. Amazing.
I love him so.
My little family is bringing me more joy than I thought possible. I am so incredibly lucky.
I love him so.
One of the very best things about having a newborn is watching my other children with him. They eat him up. They are amazingly helpful and always want to do what's best for Austin. It's been so neat for Brad and I to watch them grow and mature since his arrival.
I love them so.
And my dear husband, who radiates his perfection in fatherhood continues to blow my mind. He is all too happy to sit and rock baby boy in the middle of the night if need be and still manages to hop out of bed with the other kids first thing in the morning. He's been making meals, cleaning house, and entertaining the kids nonstop. Amazing.
I love him so.
My little family is bringing me more joy than I thought possible. I am so incredibly lucky.
Friday, June 20, 2008
My Man
Austin James
7 lbs 15 0z
20 1/2 in long
Born at 1:21 am
June 18th, 2008
One look at you and every second of the past nine months disappeared.
Welcome to the world, little one.
7 lbs 15 0z
20 1/2 in long
Born at 1:21 am
June 18th, 2008
One look at you and every second of the past nine months disappeared.
Welcome to the world, little one.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Seriously
After two trips to the hospital and two repeat trips back home due to "overcrowding," I'm still pregnant.
Love it!
Love it!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
He's Here!
...And by that I mean my sweet husband who is still standing lovingly by my side. I adore you in every possible way. Happy Father's Day!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
I Love American Healthcare
So this is pretty dang funny.
And by that, I mean pretty dang funny in a completely excruciatingly horrible way.
I started the morning with the friendly ultrasound tech, who informed me that Baby Boy J is swimming along in an excess of amniotic fluid (just like with Sienna) and is weighing in at a hefty 8 lbs 15 oz. Yeah, that is awesome. There could be a pound differential there, so maybe he's only 8 lbs but he may also be 10. I was super stoked to hear that news.
Then I saw the good doctor who was more than sympathetic to my ordeal. He checked me and discovered that I am 1 1/2 cm dilated which doesn't sound like much but since I've NEVER before dilated on my own, this was a huge accomplishment. And 40% effaced. Again, huge strides for my body.
We high-fived.
Then we talked about everything else that has been going on and he said the magic words I'd been waiting to hear:
"Let's get the baby out!"
He went into the hall to call the hospital while I got dressed and I felt so, so, so relieved.
Until I heard him yelling into the phone.
"You call this patient care? That is the craziest thing I've ever heard of! I want a committee to review this policy right now. I can't tell you how pissed off I am about this!"
Yes, the good doctor said pissed off.
His voice became hushed again and then he came into the room. And he looked very afraid to tell me what he had to tell me.
"Because you're still in a non-emergent state and the hospital will only allow so many inductions a day, the first available induction date they gave me was....."
JUNE 29th. (That's a mere 17 days from now for anyone keeping track.)
So I started bawling like any hormonal and hugely pregnant woman.
"But after I yelled and pulled some strings they agreed to move that up...."
to JUNE 20th. (That's a mere 8 days away for anyone keeping track.)
Seriously, am I being punk'd here?
I cried and cried while he tried to go over everything with me but I was consumed that this just doesn't make sense to me. The baby is already A. Big. Baby. His abdomen is measuring larger than his head so he's worried about shoulder distoria and if the baby can already fit. Babies at this stage of pregnancy tend to gain a pound a week, making this 8, 9, or 10 lb baby a 9, 10 or 11 lb baby. And I have to wait? Really? Because of policy and procedure at some hospital? And never even mind the cracked pelvis or umbilical hernia. This is insane to me.
So then he says, "do you want to have a c-section?"
And I said no, this is my fourth child and unless it's medically necessary, I don't want to go through an unnecessary surgery. But what's ludicrous about that is that if I agreed to a c-section, he could get me in. More money for the hospital so apparently there willing to make an exception there.
I asked him if he thought I would need a c-section because of his size and he said he felt confident that I could deliver this baby naturally so what is a girl to do? I just can't believe this is the scenario I'm in. I thought I went over every possible outcome last night, what I would say to make him take this baby and this never, ever occurred to me. That I would literally be this close and still 8 days away.
He did strip my membranes and try to poke around as much as possible to get things moving for me on my own, but I have no faith in this body. I know I should think positively but I am beyond deflated. To think that in a week from now I'll still be pregnant is more than I can take. And admitting that makes me feel horrid but it's honestly how I feel.
But there's the update. Believe me, if anything changes, I will let you know.
And by that, I mean pretty dang funny in a completely excruciatingly horrible way.
I started the morning with the friendly ultrasound tech, who informed me that Baby Boy J is swimming along in an excess of amniotic fluid (just like with Sienna) and is weighing in at a hefty 8 lbs 15 oz. Yeah, that is awesome. There could be a pound differential there, so maybe he's only 8 lbs but he may also be 10. I was super stoked to hear that news.
Then I saw the good doctor who was more than sympathetic to my ordeal. He checked me and discovered that I am 1 1/2 cm dilated which doesn't sound like much but since I've NEVER before dilated on my own, this was a huge accomplishment. And 40% effaced. Again, huge strides for my body.
We high-fived.
Then we talked about everything else that has been going on and he said the magic words I'd been waiting to hear:
"Let's get the baby out!"
He went into the hall to call the hospital while I got dressed and I felt so, so, so relieved.
Until I heard him yelling into the phone.
"You call this patient care? That is the craziest thing I've ever heard of! I want a committee to review this policy right now. I can't tell you how pissed off I am about this!"
Yes, the good doctor said pissed off.
His voice became hushed again and then he came into the room. And he looked very afraid to tell me what he had to tell me.
"Because you're still in a non-emergent state and the hospital will only allow so many inductions a day, the first available induction date they gave me was....."
JUNE 29th. (That's a mere 17 days from now for anyone keeping track.)
So I started bawling like any hormonal and hugely pregnant woman.
"But after I yelled and pulled some strings they agreed to move that up...."
to JUNE 20th. (That's a mere 8 days away for anyone keeping track.)
Seriously, am I being punk'd here?
I cried and cried while he tried to go over everything with me but I was consumed that this just doesn't make sense to me. The baby is already A. Big. Baby. His abdomen is measuring larger than his head so he's worried about shoulder distoria and if the baby can already fit. Babies at this stage of pregnancy tend to gain a pound a week, making this 8, 9, or 10 lb baby a 9, 10 or 11 lb baby. And I have to wait? Really? Because of policy and procedure at some hospital? And never even mind the cracked pelvis or umbilical hernia. This is insane to me.
So then he says, "do you want to have a c-section?"
And I said no, this is my fourth child and unless it's medically necessary, I don't want to go through an unnecessary surgery. But what's ludicrous about that is that if I agreed to a c-section, he could get me in. More money for the hospital so apparently there willing to make an exception there.
I asked him if he thought I would need a c-section because of his size and he said he felt confident that I could deliver this baby naturally so what is a girl to do? I just can't believe this is the scenario I'm in. I thought I went over every possible outcome last night, what I would say to make him take this baby and this never, ever occurred to me. That I would literally be this close and still 8 days away.
He did strip my membranes and try to poke around as much as possible to get things moving for me on my own, but I have no faith in this body. I know I should think positively but I am beyond deflated. To think that in a week from now I'll still be pregnant is more than I can take. And admitting that makes me feel horrid but it's honestly how I feel.
But there's the update. Believe me, if anything changes, I will let you know.
I'm Off To See The Wizard
Think I'm ready?
Wish me luck!
(I know I look like death but everyone told me I had to do it.)
Wish me luck!
(I know I look like death but everyone told me I had to do it.)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Eight Year Old Perfection
"Mom, I think I've figured out what I want to be when I grow up."
"Really Spence, what's that?"
"I want to be a Mariner"
"Ooooh, that's a big dream. Why do you want to be a Mariner?"
"Because they make lots of money and then I could give it to you and dad so you wouldn't have to pay for everything all the time. "
"I love you Spence."
"Love you too Mom."
"Really Spence, what's that?"
"I want to be a Mariner"
"Ooooh, that's a big dream. Why do you want to be a Mariner?"
"Because they make lots of money and then I could give it to you and dad so you wouldn't have to pay for everything all the time. "
"I love you Spence."
"Love you too Mom."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Fourth Times The Charm???
I thought I was so close.
So close as in real contractions, coming regularly, making me uncomfortable.
Um, apparently not.
They started Sunday night and weren't horrible, but bothersome enough that I couldn't sleep. I moved around the house trying to get comfortable, which was pointless, and finally decided after a few hours that I would try and lay down and get some rest in case in was the. real. thing.
Which of course it wasn't because then they stopped.
The next morning, I woke up feeling nauseated but got crackin' on the day as I was going to visit Lindsay. While I was there, I had several contractions and started sweating, feeling more nauseous and nasty and I began to think "surely this MUST be it!" When I got home all I wanted to do was lay down since I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, but I didn't want the contractions to stop again so I called a friend and hiked around the mall for two hours. With a cracked pelvis. Insert expletive here.
But it seemed to work because the contractions were coming regularly and were hard enough that I had to catch my breath to keep going. But once again, as I drove home, they started to subside. Insert monster expletive here.
This morning I woke up feeling horrid, promptly threw up, and have been laying around ever since. The only reason I'm on the computer is because I'm so bored and tired of laying on the couch that I thought I might set something on fire just for entertainment.
At this point, I feel like my body belongs in the Smithsonian under the heading "World's Most Stubborn Physique" because I feel like I will NEVER birth this child. I am beyond well wishes and kind words. I am one contraction away from a full blown panic attack as I feel positively claustrophobic in this body that just won't cooperate. It's not pretty here, to say the least.
If anyone has a good book or DVD to loan me, please do. Apparently I can only watch HGTV for so long before I want to throw Vern Yip through a window, which says a lot as I generally adore him.
Until Thursday, my dear readers, when I have yet another doctor's appointment which will reveal absolutely nothing. I'd like to say I'll have a plan by then but I'm thinking the only plan I'll have will involve a criminal act involving me and the good doctor. Keep him in your prayers.
So close as in real contractions, coming regularly, making me uncomfortable.
Um, apparently not.
They started Sunday night and weren't horrible, but bothersome enough that I couldn't sleep. I moved around the house trying to get comfortable, which was pointless, and finally decided after a few hours that I would try and lay down and get some rest in case in was the. real. thing.
Which of course it wasn't because then they stopped.
The next morning, I woke up feeling nauseated but got crackin' on the day as I was going to visit Lindsay. While I was there, I had several contractions and started sweating, feeling more nauseous and nasty and I began to think "surely this MUST be it!" When I got home all I wanted to do was lay down since I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, but I didn't want the contractions to stop again so I called a friend and hiked around the mall for two hours. With a cracked pelvis. Insert expletive here.
But it seemed to work because the contractions were coming regularly and were hard enough that I had to catch my breath to keep going. But once again, as I drove home, they started to subside. Insert monster expletive here.
This morning I woke up feeling horrid, promptly threw up, and have been laying around ever since. The only reason I'm on the computer is because I'm so bored and tired of laying on the couch that I thought I might set something on fire just for entertainment.
At this point, I feel like my body belongs in the Smithsonian under the heading "World's Most Stubborn Physique" because I feel like I will NEVER birth this child. I am beyond well wishes and kind words. I am one contraction away from a full blown panic attack as I feel positively claustrophobic in this body that just won't cooperate. It's not pretty here, to say the least.
If anyone has a good book or DVD to loan me, please do. Apparently I can only watch HGTV for so long before I want to throw Vern Yip through a window, which says a lot as I generally adore him.
Until Thursday, my dear readers, when I have yet another doctor's appointment which will reveal absolutely nothing. I'd like to say I'll have a plan by then but I'm thinking the only plan I'll have will involve a criminal act involving me and the good doctor. Keep him in your prayers.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Another Big Day For Hannah
After a year of tears and "I can't do it!," look what my little girl has learned:
We are so proud of you!Friday, June 06, 2008
Graduation
Last night was Hannah's preschool graduation which was held here at our home. Brad, Kristen, Stacia and Kelly transformed the house to make room for as many people as we could and I'm happy to report that the house did great! Who knew we could fit 75+ people in here!
Hannah was so excited for the big day. She loved having her great teachers here in our house getting ready and showing them all of her stuff. And she loved getting ready even more. Here is our gorgeous graduate:
We had all the graduates gather upstairs to make their grand entrance. They looked so sweet coming into the room! The many cameras and video cameras in the room tried to capture every moment. I love seeing kids with a look of pride in their eyes. They were adorable!
The kids sang three songs for us which were adorable and they were very well behaved. We clearly maxed capacity of this house but no one complained and everyone enjoyed the program.
After the program, we enjoyed a feast of treats and the most adorable cake and cupcakes EVER made by the amazing Heather and Katie. They were a HUGE hit and the kids loved the zoo theme to go along with the zoo phonics they've been learning all year.
Stacia and Kelly made a wonderful video from all the fun events of the school year which everyone loved and brought tears to most of the parent's eyes. Thanks for creating such a great keepsake!
Overall, the night was a great success and I'm so glad we were able to provide a place to hold such a celebration, although I think Kristen may need more room next year! Thanks to everyone who helped set up and clean up. And congrats to all those adorable graduates!
Overall, the night was a great success and I'm so glad we were able to provide a place to hold such a celebration, although I think Kristen may need more room next year! Thanks to everyone who helped set up and clean up. And congrats to all those adorable graduates!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Battle of the Musical/Reality Programming Stations
Dear VH1,
I have to say, I have always overlooked your tremendous potential. I'm usually more of an MTV girl and I hate to think of the quality programming that you could have provided me with over the years where it not for my preference for another music channel.
But yesterday, as I laid about trying to do my best impression of a woman on bed rest, you revealed your secrets to me. And my life has been transformed.
How glorious! How entertaining! Your choice of running the entire season of "The Bachelorette" brought me nothing but happiness!
I had forgotten all about the story of Ryan and Trista. How he was shy and endearing. How she was flirty and borderline obnoxious. How she talked in a baby voice that made me want to shoot myself and how he created poetry with words like "Shamu" in them. It was delightful.
And then, as if that weren't enough, you also ran the three part series "Ryan and Trista's Wedding" which made me giggle and cheer. The amazing scenery that was overtaken by the gigantic bottles of Pepto Bismol that threw up everywhere. The fact that there were enough flowers to outfit the entire Rose Parade. The drum of the helicopters as they floated over head, trying desperately to get pictures of this famous couple who are famous for doing what exactly?
Anyway, it was divine, and it managed to tick off another day of the pregnancy waiting game. I salute you, VH1, and your excellent television programmers.
Thankfully,
Kiz-Jo
I have to say, I have always overlooked your tremendous potential. I'm usually more of an MTV girl and I hate to think of the quality programming that you could have provided me with over the years where it not for my preference for another music channel.
But yesterday, as I laid about trying to do my best impression of a woman on bed rest, you revealed your secrets to me. And my life has been transformed.
How glorious! How entertaining! Your choice of running the entire season of "The Bachelorette" brought me nothing but happiness!
I had forgotten all about the story of Ryan and Trista. How he was shy and endearing. How she was flirty and borderline obnoxious. How she talked in a baby voice that made me want to shoot myself and how he created poetry with words like "Shamu" in them. It was delightful.
And then, as if that weren't enough, you also ran the three part series "Ryan and Trista's Wedding" which made me giggle and cheer. The amazing scenery that was overtaken by the gigantic bottles of Pepto Bismol that threw up everywhere. The fact that there were enough flowers to outfit the entire Rose Parade. The drum of the helicopters as they floated over head, trying desperately to get pictures of this famous couple who are famous for doing what exactly?
Anyway, it was divine, and it managed to tick off another day of the pregnancy waiting game. I salute you, VH1, and your excellent television programmers.
Thankfully,
Kiz-Jo
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
Mr. Mom
Last night as Brad was finishing up the dishes, he asked what I needed done for tomorrow. "Do you want to make a list for me or do you want me to try and figure it out?"
My goodness how I love this man.
This morning, he hopped out of bed as the first of the kids came streaming in and headed downstairs, where he:
*made breakfast
*cleaned the kitchen
*made Spence's lunch
*had everyone dressed with shoes on and backpacks loaded
My goodness how I love this man.
Since everyone is ahead of schedule thanks to him being so on top of things, they are now all outside where I just watched him pull a few weeds, push Sienna on her bike, and throw the football with Spence. Hannah is busy scootering around all of it.
After the carpool run, he told me he was going to go and do the returns that have been waiting to get done and then he'll be back to get to work here.
My goodness how I love this man.
My goodness how I love this man.
This morning, he hopped out of bed as the first of the kids came streaming in and headed downstairs, where he:
*made breakfast
*cleaned the kitchen
*made Spence's lunch
*had everyone dressed with shoes on and backpacks loaded
My goodness how I love this man.
Since everyone is ahead of schedule thanks to him being so on top of things, they are now all outside where I just watched him pull a few weeds, push Sienna on her bike, and throw the football with Spence. Hannah is busy scootering around all of it.
After the carpool run, he told me he was going to go and do the returns that have been waiting to get done and then he'll be back to get to work here.
My goodness how I love this man.
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