11

Dear Spencer,

In the very early morning hours of this beautiful day, you turned 11-years-old. It's almost shocking to me, that my first born is on the verge of being all grown up, but when I really think about it, it's not so different. You were born with a very old soul, one that was wiser and kinder and more mature than I had ever seen and so while the years tick by, I feel like the you that stands before me today has always been here.

I remember the day of your birth remarkably well. I remember how nervous I was that I would somehow mess you up or that I would do something wrong. I remember how anxious I was whenever the room grew louder and I couldn't hear your strong heartbeat telling me that you were there. Right there, in the deepest part of me just waiting for the perfect time to come. I remember the sights and sounds and smells of the room where you came to us. The love of those around us. The anticipation of who you would be and what you would do to all of us.

And with all that I expected, I had no idea how tremendous you would be.

Your kindness overwhelms me. Your sense of doing what's right because it's the only option for you is astonishing. I marvel at how many times in a day I call to you for help, with Austin, with the girls, with the jobs and tasks we must do to take care of our home. You have never, never balked at what I've asked you to do and you do each thing with the attitude of a boy who is happy. Happy to help, happy to know that you're making my life easier, happy to be where you are right at that moment. I'm sure you must tire of me saying again and again how good you are, but I hope in hearing it enough you will know that you are special. You are divine in purpose and were born to be the eldest in our family, to show the others, and dad and me, a better way to be.

I sat in your classroom yesterday morning and listened to a poem you had written for me. I tried not to cry for the way you crafted your words, but you knew. You knew how to speak to me and what would mean the most.

My Mom
By Spencer

My mom is a superhero because she is always battling my problems.
My mom is like a flower because she is always beautiful.
My mom is like the ocean because she moves with strength, and with patience.
My mom is patient because us kids make a lot of noise.
My mom is like an eagle because she is always watching out for me.
My mom is the best mom in the world.

And you were right.

In the fall you'll start junior high and for awhile now, I've been unsure about that. Unsure about the things you'll hear in the hallway and the things you'll see. Unsure of the friends you'll surround yourself with. Unsure of the choices you'll make with all the added responsibilities that are coming your way. But as we walked the halls of your new school the other night, and I watched you interact with your friends and peers, my fears went away. I know that you'll be ok. I know that you'll continue to do what is right and make the best possible choices for yourself. I know that who you are now will serve you well and the comfort I find in that is overwhelming.

You amaze me Spence. You always have and most certainly always will and so while it's hard for me to admit that you're another your older, and that you are inching your way to being taller than me, I am so excited for the next chapter of your life. You have brought your dad and I nothing but joy and I completely love the young man that you are. Keep your eyes straight ahead and go after every single thing that you want. You can move mountains, Spence. And I'll be right here cheering you on.



Love,
Mama

Life Lessons of The Canine Kind

Last week was a real doozy around these parts. We were waiting on some test results for Austin, we had to put the dog down, Spencer's birthday party was Friday evening and I was holding the mother of all garage sales on Saturday to benefit my Relay for Life team. To say I was stressed is an understatement. To say I had overbooked myself once again is naive. To say that I will never learn to say no is the truth.

Everything felt very raw to me and after my final moments with Hershey on Tuesday, I never really recovered. I felt a sadness that struck me to my core and which completely took me by surprise as Hershey's antics over the past few years have been more frustrating than endearing. I knew I would be sad, obviously, but I didn't expect the sadness I felt to completely envelop me. I found myself wide awake in the middle of the night, replaying her last minutes over and over again. The sound of her panting. The look in her eyes. The weight of her body as she laid across me. I hated doing that and hope to never do it again but I also know I couldn't have done it any other way. I know she was just a pet, but she was our pet for almost 12 years. As Brad and I talked last night before bed, he quietly said, "I miss the Bersh." I miss her too.

And then there was Austin. Austin who has been struggling with urinary frequency and UTI's which are both rather uncommon in boys. Austin who had to have blood work and an ultrasound to determine if everything was ok. And on Tuesday, just hours before I would be putting down the dog, I sat with him at the lab waiting for his blood work. For close to two hours I entertained him and waited patiently for our turn. And when our turn came, we were met with a phlebotomist that could. not. find a vein and instead dug around in my little man's arm. His screams turned to sheer panic as she poked and poked, asking me to please calm him down. I finally lost it and asked her to stop. She then tried to fill two vials off a finger prick and after several minutes of him still screaming, and now throwing up, I pulled him away and left. I was shaking in anger and frustration and horrified at what had just happened.

And once my tears started, I couldn't stop them.

I think I cried for most of Tuesday, something that used to be quite common for me but which now never happens. I haven't cried like that in years and I felt foolish but also felt a relief. I showed up at my sister-in-law house where she literally held me as I wept. My friend Heather was there and I was truly embarrassed but I also felt a comfort in being in the company of women who know and letting it out. They consoled me. They comforted me. They lifted me up when I was so far down.

And that started a shift in things. Because even though my sadness was very real, there were still so many things to be happy about.

Dinner arrived at my house that Tuesday afternoon and a hug from a dear friend.

A phone call was made early the next morning to check on me and see how I was doing.

A sweet note and a loaf of warm bread was dropped by unexpectedly.

And it all reminded me that it's okay to let the tears flow, to give in to what you're feeling and let yourself be comforted. The bond of sisterhood that I am lucky enough to be a part of is a very real thing, and I am blessed to have women around me to hold me up. To let me work through it. To listen and comfort and love me despite the hysterics and tears.

And now here I am, one week later, and things are ok. We still miss Hershey and will for some time, but we're now remembering all the silly things she used to do. Austin's results came back clear and declared him in perfect health. The garage sale was a huge success, raising over $450 for my team. And Spence loved every second of his party.

I survived the roller coaster of last week, largely in part to the people around me. I lost control and cried myself through it and came out okay. I was strong enough to do what I never thought I could and learned so much along the way. I know it's silly that it all came from an overweight chocolate lab, but it did.

Hersh & the kids, July 2010

And for that, I am grateful.

The Trip Of A Lifetime In A New York Minute

Here's the thing about New York City: yes, it is larger than life in every possible way and it is exactly what you expect it to be and so much more. Yes, there are people and languages and colors covering every inch of that place and more to see than seems possible. It is loud with honks and the sounds of people out doing; working, commuting, running, sight-seeing, exploring, eating and living. It is not a place I wish to call home but is a place that everyone should see because within all of that busy, a very vibrant heart beats and makes New York feel like no other place I've been.

When Brad surprised my with our trip for Christmas, my excitement immediately took over. Having been there once before almost eight years ago with my mom, on a trip I will never forget, I knew exactly what was waiting for us. I was anxious to drink in the sounds of Broadway, feel my patriotism peak at the World Trade Center and taste my way to the best cheesecake in the city, all with The Rizz by my side. We started making plans almost immediately, thrilled once again to have our trusty side-kicks by our side and with one common thought among us: we were going to see and do everything.

And we did.

We were lucky to have Brad's sister Eileen as our personal tour guide, as she has called New York her home for the past 8 years. We stayed at her cozy little flat in Harlem and got to experience a side of New York that otherwise would have gone unseen but which we completely loved. She took us to amazing restaurants (can you say brunch at The Eatery where the stuffed french toast came with ice cream on top?) taught u s the ins and outs of the subway system and made sure we had a very full New York experience.

Throughout the week, we:

::Saw Billy Elliot, That Championship Season, Mama Mia and Rock of Ages on Broadway
::Went to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island
::Walked through Battery Park, Chinatown, Little Italy, SoHo, the East Village, Harlem, the upper east and west sides and explored everything in between
::Shopped at Tiffany's
::Sat at the Bethesda Fountain in Central Park
::Visited the World Trade Center site
::Had lunch at Carnegie Deli and ate the best. cheesecake. ever.
::Toured the Museum of Natural History, The Metropolitan Museum of Art and the MoMa
::Ran into Donald Trump while searching for a bathroom
::Re-enacted the end of The Adjustment Bureau on the top of the Rock
::Saw the city from the Empire State Building at night (highly recommended)
::Said a prayer of thanks for free refills at the Olive G arden in Times Square (I know it's lame that we went there but it was raining and we were waiting for a show)
::Shopped at the largest Forever 21 and H&M I've ever seen
::Downed the yummiest fries, burgers and shakes at The Shake Shack
::Saw Lucas Haas on the sidewalk
::Got an autographed playbill from Mr. Big
::Heard the voice of Darth! Vader! as he stood a few feet away
::Made a little visit to the Jimmy Fallon Show
::Served as back-up dancers for Booker T. Jones
::Got chills as the one and only Jack Bauer took to the stage
::Almost bought purses in Chinatown, and then didn 't
::Walked and walked and walked and walked
::Decided that the gigantic Mac store on 6th ave is for the boys what Tiffany's is for my and Linds
::Were comped the most amazing meal at Momofuku's Noodle Bar, a sister-restaurant to the one where Jared's brother Mitch is an amazing chef
::Ate fried chicken and waffles in Harlem
::Became masters of the subway system and wondered for the 10 millionth time how people used to travel without apps on their phones
::Hiked 20+ blocks in the rain with Lindsay leading the charge at break-neck speed because in the words of Jared "Hizzy doesn't like to get wet"
::Discovered that pretzels from sidewalk vendors are nast but the roasted nuts are divine
::Realized at our third museum that we were more excited to be there because of Night At The Museum than to see the fine art
::Spent $20 on a few pastries one morning and decided they were worth every penny

And now a ton of pictures that you don't really care about but that I had to include:

Brad & Eileen, Times Square

Grand Central Station

Brunch at The Eatery

The new World Trade Center Building


Lunch at The Shake Shack

Times Square

Top of Rockefeller Plaza



Spit-take Champions

The Donald

View from Empire State Building at night

Statue of Liberty

Quiet poiibly my favorite picture of the trip, even though it's blurry...at Carengie Deli, that sandwich was sick

Central Park

Dum-Dum

Jack Bauer

Funnyman Jim Gaffigan

"Luke, I am your Father"

A star-struck Linds and Mr. Big

Brad making us laugh at MoMA

Rock of Ages

Thanks New York. We loved every second and will definitely be back again.

A Goodbye

I promise my New York post is coming. It's just about done but we've been interrupted over here by the death of our larger than life (literally) dog Hershey. We had to put her down yesterday and I've been pretty useless ever since. I haven't cried like that in years. She was our compromise for moving here, as in I'll-move-to-the-desert-if-you-get-me-a-dog, and so a week after we arrived, so did Hersh. She was our first-born and has been with us for our kids whole lives. Lots of tears were shed last night and Spence, Hannah and Sienna all slept in our room. Spence tried to be incredibly brave and the first thing he said upon hearing the news was "I'm glad she's healthy in heaven instead of sick here with us." Man I love that kid and after he went to everyone's room to collect something cozy for everyone to cuddle as they slept, he silently started crying. Brad laid with the girls on the floor and I stayed with Spence until everyone had calmed a bit. It was heart-wrenching. Who knew that a dog who's entire existence was made up of sleeping in every room of the house would be so missed?

Actually, we all did.

Thanks Hersh, for making us laugh, for being unbelievably patient and gentle as each of our kids climbed and pulled all over you, and for keeping us safe. We will miss you.

Thanks For The Memories Jimmy

In case you live in a cave, or aren't friends with me on Facebook (why is that, anyway??) here is the clip that's making the rounds. My sweet Riz and our good buddy Jared, dominating the Jimmy Fallon show. They are team 2...

If this doesn't start your weekend off right, nothing will.

A Whirlwind

In case you missed it, I was in New York City for spring break with my sweet husband.

And I turned 36 years-old, so I have lots to talk about.

Just not now.

I'm swamped with the stuff of returning home after vacation and a not so little science fair that is literally looming over my head. But I miss you. And I promise a ton of great stories. Hang in there.

See you soon!