Just In Time For Summer

Last night I had a breakdown of sorts.

One of those mothering moments where you feel the weight of your role and wondering if you're getting any of it right.

We returned home from a weekend in Boise. A weekend that meant my kids were running around with cousins and I barely saw them. I love how connected they are to their cousins but I often find myself missing my kids, because there isn't much time for mom and dad when there are cousins to play with. I realize it's not much of a problem to have, kids who love their family that much, but I was anxious to return home and get back to being us.

Fast forward to us pulling in the driveway and rattling off the list of things that needed to be done: car unpacked, laundry in laundry room, suitcases unloaded, showers and baths for all, etc. They started off well enough, with the usual brief complaints from the girls but we made it to bath time without incident. And then something happened, something involved one choking another one and one hitting in retaliation and I lost it.

Lost. It.

Because I don't hit. I don't choke and yell and scream and splash soap in other people's eyes. I don't do any of that.

But apparently my girls do.

I tried explaining it to Brad later as he tried to talk me through it. Brad teaches high school chemistry and does an amazing job at it. He has plaques and certificates and how-you-changed-my-life letters from kids all over his room. He excels at his job and the evidence is everywhere.

On the other hand, my full time job is the raising of our children. The teaching and molding and encouraging them to be the best they can be. But last night my failures became blindingly clear. There are things I'm not doing well and it piled up on me last night and I lost my cool.

Don't worry. I know I'm a good mom. Most of the time. And I know that my children are good people who will grow up to be even better people. And last nights episode led to a great discussion between Brad and I as we figured some things out for our family. We need to focus here and tweak there to ensure that we're doing everything we can to create a family unit that is indestructible and make sure our little people know what's expected. There are too many forces outside our home that are targeting our family; we don't need to have it happening inside the home as well.

I couldn't see it last night but I'm thankful for the fight that took place. I'm grateful that something pulled me out of my routine and made me look at things clearer. We're going to be alright, all of us, and now I have a little better idea of how to get us there.

Finding North

My goal this week was to post once a day.

It's Thursday and this is my second post of the week.

FAIL.

I'm not quite sure what's going on in this little head of mine, but to say I've been a bit off is an understatement. I think my kids and I are suffering from a major case of lets-be-done-with-school-already-and-get-to-summer-playtime-and-while-you're-at-it-send-some-sun-our-way-itis. I'm am a girl who enjoys seasons and it feels like this year we've only had two: gray skies and wind. It's annoying.

And I think it's bogged me down a little more than usual because my get up and go definitely got up and went. I've been spending my days knocking around my house, flitting from one project to the next without really accomplishing anything.

I hate it when I do that.

And is it just me or does it feel like the world is sort of tilted the wrong way at the moment? Two of my favorite families are moving away, a dear friend's life has been thrown for a loop, and I know two families who heard the words "they have cancer" since Monday. Someone is trying to tell us something. I sure hope I'm listening.

Today I'm going to work on getting my bearings and flying right. I'm going to focus on the little people in my house and not the projects I see surrounding them. I'm going to make something new for dinner, wash the bedding, and read lots of stories to the sweet faces looking up at me.

That should fix it all nicely I think.




If you've been feeling like me, head here for a sweet giveaway. I've been lucky enough to receive April's treasures in the past and they are truly lovely.

Home Never Looked So Good

So, I'm home. From Canada.

Obviously.

I've been home for almost a week and my head is still reeling from my time away. From our initial flight being delayed, causing us to miss our connections, causing us to get re-booked on new flights, causing us to sit in Sea-Tac for five hours waiting for our midnight departure. From the 30 minutes of bumpy, bumpy turbulence coming into DC that made me think we were going to drop from the sky at any moment. From the funeral that was deeply personal to my Granny and quite lovely, as lovely as those things can be. From the amazing Kathleen & Kenny who put mom and I up and spoiled us with chocolate cake and cherry cheesecake and from which I ate repeatedly. From the beauty of Peggy's Cove and the way it stands exactly as I remember it from my childhood. From the best fish & chips I've ever eaten, ever. From the Lobster Risotto that I'm still thinking about. From the connections with cousins that were made once again, and the time spent soaking in their children and families. From the things that were learned, that were hard to learn, but that have made all the difference. From the strength that oozed from my mom as she handled herself with grace. From the biggest lesson of all which is that I come from strong women. Strong women who can handle what needs handling and take it all in stride.

It was exhausting.

It was reaffirming.

It was reminiscent of my Gran and the woman she was.

It was a trip back home, to the place of my mother's people, and it was exactly what I needed.

Mom & Me, before the funeral

Oh Canada

Today I'm leaving for my mom's motherland and even though the circumstances aren't the best, I'm a bit excited to go. Mainly to see the family that I haven't seen in years but also to see one of the most beautiful spots in the world. Not many people from the states get to visit Nova Scotia in their lifetime and I'm lucky to have been there many times. I'm especially grateful for the trip Brad and I took back there the summer after we married. He has seen it all and knows exactly where I'll be this next week, which in some small way helps. It's is geographically stunning and a little corner of the world that I think everyone should try and visit. Not sure you believe me? Look at this:

Halifax skyline

Peggy's Cove, one of my favorite places ever

Peggy's Cove

The Citadel

Along with scenery that will make your head spin, the food is divine. Lobster that melts in your mouth, the best fish and chips EVER and local cuisine that will leave you wanting more. For these reasons, I'm excited to go. But I already miss my sweet family and pray that everyone will be ok while I'm away. If you see my sweet kids, give them an extra hug from me. And check in on The Rizz. He'll need it.

See you soon!

A Peak At My Heritage

I prettied up my blog a bit today.

What do you think?

I think I did it because I've had so many thoughts running around in this little brain of mine and have been unsure how to get them all out, cohesively. Clearly. In a way that makes sense.

So instead of doing the writing that I truly love doing, I dabbled with colors and layouts and fonts.

But it was fun. And I think she's pretty.

A few things:

My grandmother died. My 89-year-old, sharp as a tack, witty as all get out, little tiny grandmother died. We called her Granny. Nova Scotia Granny to be exact and so on Tuesday, I will be flying there with my mother to say goodbye. She lived in Canada her whole life, which made her very Canadian. If you know Canadians, then you know what I mean. She was incredibly bright, reading the paper cover to cover everyday. She knew more about what was happening in the U.S. than most Americans and always tickled me with her perspectives. She was different than so many of her generation in that she was amazingly open-minded. She knew what she knew, thought what she thought, and did it all without apology. She spoke freely, never mincing words or wasting time, and I would frequently be surprised at how often her observations would be spot on. I loved that about her. I've been asked to speak at her funeral. Asked by my mother, to speak of her mother, and because I will do anything for my mom, as she does for me, I will gladly do it. I've been thinking of all the things I want to say and how best to say them. How do you sum up 89 years in a few minutes? I think I've just about got it all down and am honored to do so. But I will kindly take all of your best wishes next week for what is surely going to a whole lot sad and a whole lot more celebration.

I think the hardest part for me is that The Rizz won't be with me. He is staying home to tend to our lovies and I will miss him fiercely. Having him near calms me. Being able to hear his voice or lock eyes with him does wonders for me and I will miss him next week.

But we have lovies to tend.

And they are what I've been thinking of. Those four gorgeous faces that love me regardless all day, every day. My patience has been thinner than usual of late which spins me into an unnecessary cycle of I'm-a-bad-mom-but-I'm-trying-and-they-know-I-love them-right? Some days are harder than ever and I've found myself thinking a lot about the gravity of this time in my life. This shot I have to be the best mom I can and to not mess them up. To help them be whoever they are supposed to be and love and support them every step of the way. That's what I want, more than anything. But am I doing it?

I hope so.

So my brain has been rattled. My thoughts are all jumbled up and it's why I've been away from this little blog much more than I would like. I am certainly not a trained a writer but I love it so and find that it helps me in ways that only it could. I'm hoping this pretty little space will keep calling me back. That I will find time (read: take time) to come here often and write out my life.

Because, just like my grandmother, I have much to say.