A few weeks ago when my sister-in-law, Tiffany, was here, she showed me how to install a StatCounter on my blog so that I could track things like how many hits a day I was getting, where those hits where coming from, etc. Had I known then that this handy little device would soon send me into an emotional freefall, I would have reconsidered.
It turns out that absolutely all of my self-worth as a human being is tied up in the StatCounter. It doesn't matter if I keep a clean house or make a nice meal, or make it through the day without turning to hard alcohol. Oh no, all that matters to me is the number at the end of the day on the counter.
In the beginning, it was exhilarating to watch the counter tick along. I would check back frequently throughout the day and get a little rush knowing that someone out there in Nebraska and Kansas (two of my larger markets) where getting a kick out of my crazy life. Soon I went international and had hits coming in regularly from the United Kingdom and Slovenia. I felt like the Queen of All Blogging and in return, I tried my darndest to come up with fun and witty ways of telling my stories. A few days later, my counter leaped unexpectedly and I seemed to be reaching the masses at an alarming rate. This continued for several days and each day as I sat down at the computer, I dusted off my tiara and went to work.
Then the counter plunged. Dropped. Sunk to numbers I hadn't seen since the counter was first installed. What was happening I wondered? Was I not funny anymore? Was my second attack on the library too much? Did I push them over the edge with my boy band reference? I racked my brain trying to figure out what I had done wrong, why my British neighbors didn't find me celver anymore. I couldn't sleep, I felt restless, trying to come up with a plan to restore my audience. I felt shaken to my core because no matter what else I've been in my life (fat, unemployed, borderline crazy) I've always been funny. Or at least so I thought.
Because of all my StatCounter turmoil, I purposely didn't post anything yesterday. Maybe the constant posting has become tiresome and I need to space things out.
So here I go again. I'm going to try as hard as I can, ignoring the StatCounter and doing my best, telling stories that I think are funny and not really caring what you all think. (That's a total LIE.) I'm going to try and attach my self-worth to something else, say my home decorating skills or my diligence to vacuuming and see where that takes me. Hopefully you'll come along for the ride. If not, rest assured that the tiara is over on the shelf where it belongs.