Christmas in February

I'm not sure how it came to be the middle of February.   I really can't believe that it's the middle of February and I haven't yet shared the sweetest part of our Christmas.  And even though enough time has lapsed that I should just file it to memory and not bore you with the details, this one is too good to not write down.  

It went like this. 

My whole family gathered together for the first time since my parent's divorce.  

Our four sweet children enjoying having their cousins and grandparents here more than the presents before them.  

Shared smiles and laughter among the adults, soaking in a beautiful Christmas.  

One teary little Sienna, so happy about what she found under the tree but sad that Santa didn't bring her the thing she has wanted most, a Nintendo DS, for the second year in a row. 

One amazing older brother, who noticed the quivering in Sienna's voice and quickly dashed upstairs to his room, to find his DS and place it in a box, writing in his perfectly imperfect writing "To Sienna, Love Santa."  

"Look Sienna, I found this from Santa upstairs,"  he said.  

One crying dad + one crying mom.  A boy who understands.  It's the giving, not the receiving.  

A hidden present behind the couch addressed to all four kids, where four brand new Nintendo 3DS were found. 

************

Even now, when someone brings it up, Brad and I find ourselves in tears.  The sweet spirit that Spencer showed that morning knocked our socks off.  His maturity and desire to grant his little sister her Christmas wish was overwhelming.  To know that he gets it, even though in all fairness he's pretty much always gotten it, was reaffirming to Brad and I that in between the bickering and tattling, it's soaking in.  The good parts of life.  The stuff to focus on.  What's really important.  That the greatest joy in life comes from making others feel loved. 

Spence gets it.  And his example is teaching his siblings.  And his parents.  

We've always managed to have amazing Christmas mornings.  Through sick kids and absent family members, we've always made the best of it. 

But this Christmas.

It was magical. 

I know that mountain of presents is excessive, but there were 12 of us here 

Christmas morning, and three of those are bikes!

Mentally Better, Physically Worse

Thanks for your kind words regarding my last post.  We are still navigating our way around these parts but talking about it feels better.  And even though it seems like changes are coming at us full speed, one thing remains the same. 

I love my kids fiercely.  Wholly, unconditionally, completely.

And the man who stands by my side through it all?  Well, there's nothing better.  At least not for me. 

One of my goals this year was to visit this space much more frequently and while I seem to be failing miserably, I've had good excuses. 

Like starting a five-week sub job at the high school.  The longest job I've taken since having my babes.  It came as just the right time and will really help us with some big plans we have coming up ( more on that later.)  Luckily, friends and family have stepped in to help with the kiddos until Grandma arrives.  And I spend my days testing away with this girl.   I'm so thankful. 

And I've been planning a shindig with this girl that will hopefully go off tonight without a hitch.  I'm excited.  Not as many to cook for as last time but I will still spend today in my kitchen. 

And finally, to make it all extra fun, the stress that I carry around in my neck and shoulders decided to seize up on me and I can barely move my left side.  The good news?  It's MUCH better than yesterday.  The bad news?  It still hurts something fierce.  Luckily, my good friend ibuprofen will get me through the day.

Enjoy your weekend friends.  Love a little extra on all those sweet souls roaming around your house in the days ahead.  Valentine's Day is right around the corner!

The Post That Makes You Feel So Much Better About Yourself

You know how sometimes you stumble upon a blog post and find yourself thinking "Man! She's a much better mother than me." And you notice that she is taller/shorter/thinner/prettier than you and her house is bigger/better/cleaner/nicer than yours and that she cooks/crafts/writes/decorates better than you and if that wasn't enough, you look at her beautifully photographed children playing together or baking together or reading books together and you find yourself shrinking a bit?

This is not one of those posts.  

This post is about how gut-wrenchingly hard it is to be a mom.  How there are minutes, hours, days when you want to scream your head off and lock your kids out of your house.  How you find yourself begging for three minutes of peace and making deals with just about anyone to give it to you.  How you completely lose your cool when you get interrupted, again, by the third of four children while you're trying to pee. The exhaustible inertia of trying to keep your head above water while someone stands above pouring water on your head. 

I feel like I've been in the trenches lately.  The trenches of mothering strong personalities and kids who oftentimes feel they know better than me.  I find myself with my hands held high above my head in the international sign of  I SURRENDER but no one yells out GAME OVER to save me.  This stuff is hard.  Hard to understand.  Hard to talk through.  Really, all-encompassing, hard. I've lost my footing a bit in how to mother these children who are changing before my eyes.  Growing up means new issues, new consequences, new problems and while we have yet to face anything that we can't handle, I can feel it lurking.  Like something is watching, waiting for me to lose my balance so it can show up and knock me off my feet completely.  I feel like I'm having to work harder than ever before to try and get it right and not just right in the moment, but right in the long term.  That the things I'm trying to teach my kids will resonate with them for a lifetime so that some of these issues won't show up again.  Or if they do, that they'll be prepared to deal with them.  And looking at it that way is daunting. 

I find myself exhausted at the end of the day.  Like that I've-been-up-all-night-with-a-newborn exhausted.  

I find myself watching the clock for bedtime.  

I find myself saying the same things over and over and over.  And over. 

My fuse is shorter than normal and I keep looking around wondering where I went.  That mother who was here before.  The one with patience and understanding.  Who loved the sound of her children's voices above all else.  Who knew that even though this path is rocky, it's absolutely the right one to be on.  Who found joy in the small things and loved nothing more than being a mom. 

I know she's in here.  I know she'll be back soon. But right now, what's she's doing is hard. 

Trying to find her, while hiding out in my van. 

In my bathrobe. 

WIWW, Take 10

So, I am officially a What-I-Wore Wednesday failure.  It sort of bums me out. 

The good news is that I've been pairing all sorts of new things together and feel like I've stepped up my game in regards to what I'm wearing. 

The bad news is that I never, ever, ever, find time to snap a picture.  I blame this on the fact that I'm really focused on working out so oftentimes, I'm not dressed in the morning when my photog (aka Hannah) leaves.  If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm often not dressed when my photog returns home from school but that's another story for another day.  Bottom line:  most of my days include my wearing yoga pants and a sweatshirt.  But when I do get dressed, I'm pretty cute. 

Really.

In other news, I bought a three-barrel jumbo waver and am in love. (Here's where I would post a picture but I'm at school today and the district blocks all pictures.  Even ones of a three-barrel jumbo waver.)  I didn't splurge on an expensive one because I wasn't sure how I would like it but I love what it's doing to my hair.  Lots of body, lots of messy waves, I love it.  And Sienna's hair, who up until now has refused to hold any type of curl, looks gorgeous.  It's making our mornings a bit long as I wave my way through three heads but we all love it. 

One more thing...I did Bikram yoga last night for the first time and nearly died.  I think my body is still laying in that room sweating to death.  I felt fantastic when it was over but it may have been the longest 90 minutes of my life.  And the smells?  I'm still bothered by the smell of that room. Fifty people doing yoga in a 103 degree room does not make for the cleanest smelling place.  You know the smell of birth?  It was kind of like that, times 50.  Sick. to. the. nast. 

Off to teach the minds of 5th graders.  Happy Wednesday kids. 

Pausing, Take 1

This morning I headed outside to run and had taken about two steps when I remembered the forecast for the day:  winds up to 50 mph.  It was already howling out there so I came back in to re-group.  Wanting to work on stretching my legs as I've recently identified shin splints as the culprit behind my calf pain, I decided to head to the mall to walk.  

Now, this is something I used to do fairly regularly.  I used to load up my stroller, stock my purse full of snacks, grab a few books and toys and pray that whatever toddler I was pushing around would let me get some exercise in.  But this morning, all I had to grab was my phone, some earplugs, and my water bottle. 

That's it.  

As I started lapping the mall, I noticed a slew of mothers there who were walking the path I walked not that long ago.  There were the moms that had brought their kids to the play area bright and early in hopes of letting them get some energy out.  There were the moms who pushed around newborns, bundled tightly in their strollers, with the hopes of working off some of that remaining baby weight.  There were moms who were meeting other moms for coffee and the chance to have adult conversation.  And as I walked, I remember being a mom at each of those stages.  I remember bribing my kids with playtime at the Thomas track in Barnes & Noble.  I remember stopping every few feet to pick up the sippy cup that had been thrown to the ground.  Again.  I remember feeling overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, and desperate from some semblance of my pre-baby body back.  I remember it all and it struck me that although it's only been a few years, it seems a lifetime ago.  

My days now are full of completely different things.  I can run my errands alone.  I can meet up with girlfriends for a meal at someplace other than the McDonald's playland.  I can listen to my own music in the car because I'm often in there alone.  I can take the time to do something I enjoy without interruption.  It's freeing, this new life I'm living.  It's something I remember longing for.  And I love it.  

But. 

The reminders I saw this morning tugged at my heart a little more than I would have expected.  And while I don't long to return to those days, I'm grateful for the reminder to enjoy each stage, each day, each question and request and argument because before I know it, I'll be longing for this stage too. 

Stuff I Meant To Post Last Year But Forgot, Part 2

I spent an insane amount of time last night dinking around on this little space of mine.  I've been itching for a new look for awhile and with the help of these guys, I managed to gussy her up a bit.  You like?

Don't tell me if you don't. 

Or do.  I can handle it.  

After she was all prettied up, I started looking for something to post about which led me to my pictures folder.  Where I quickly realized that I forgot to post about a million different things that  happened last year.   Which made me panic in a what-am-I-doing-here sort of way.  Which made me start thinking about how to go back and include all the stuff I left.  Which gave me a headache.  

So.

Instead, I'm going to treat you to a the abbreviated version of The Stuff I Forgot For No Reason At All Other Than I'm The Mother Of Four Children. 

Luckily, you get the picture version.  

Austin was the cutest little balloon traveler for Halloween.  Those pictures were awesome.  I think I deleted them.  I sort of hate myself for that but at least I have this gem, taken a good week after Halloween.  That balloon refused to die and Austin (and the others) had a blast playing with it.  He loved his costume.  For about five houses.  I loved carrying that thing around for the hour that followed.  Totally worth it.  

Hannah and Jared have birthdays only a day apart so for Sunday dinner this year, we celebrated together.  That picture slays me for obvious reasons.  Hannah and the guns?  Priceless.  I'm happy to report that that cake, made by Lindsay, weighed approximately 18 pounds which quickly made their way onto my butt.  It was amazing.  

Did I mention that we hosted Thanksgiving for 20?  Well, we did.   I loved it and already can't wait until next year. My makeshift table worked as I hoped and the food was delish. 

 My girls participated in a play at school thanks to Missoula Children's Theatre.  This year's performance was The Wiz of the West, a take on The Wizard of Oz with a western twist and they loved every minute.  Hannah was cast as part of the Munch Kin (get it?) and Sienna was the cutest tarantula around.   Their good buddy Nadia was cast as The Wiz herself and this picture says it all. 

Man I love those two. 

 

That's more like it.  Nadia, Hannah and Megan, the three Musketeers playing The Wiz, a Munch, and a Buzzard.  

I know that didn't mean anything to any of you, except the Grandmas, but I feel better.  I mean, if I can't brag about my cute kids, what's the point in blogging?  

Happy Weekend friends.  We've got visitors coming to town and we can hardly wait!

This Woman's Work

Today I'm a working mom. 

Working to take care of a Squish who woke with a nasty stomach last night and is spending her day curled up on the couch.   Tending to some chores that have been neglected for a bit too long.  Reading the same SkippyJon Jones book to one silly little man who laughs at the same places every time.  Making plans for an upcoming party I'm helping to throw.  Working my body into a healthier state despite the freezing temps outside or the fact that my muscles have yet to forgive Jillian for what she did to me yesterday.  Figuring out what to make for dinner that will leave everyone happy.  And satisfied.  Planning the upcoming weekend with some very special visitors.  Keeping myself busy by making yet another scarf that I will wear far too often.  Making arrangements to move an event I'm passionate about to an even better location.  Emailing those that have the answers I need and praying it all works out. 

None of it is all that  important.  Most of it could be done by someone else.  But this is the stuff of my Thursday and I want to remember how it feels to be a woman who does when I get bogged down and forget my purpose.  Because even though it doesn't seem like I'm doing all that much, I am. 

Today I'm a working mom.  And it sort of rocks. 

Stuff I Didn't Post Last Year But Really Meant To, Part I

One of my unofficial goals this year is to post more recipes here.  I'm pretty much always in the kitchen whipping something up and I've really made an effort to try new things.  Most of them have been successful; some have not but that's part of the fun for me.  I have a few rules when trying a new recipe:  I always try to make it exactly as it's written so that I can give it an honest critique.  Most of the time I do but every so often, I get the best of myself and start adding in whatever I think is missing.  I will credit where I find these new recipes and let you know when I've monkeyed around with it.  Deal?    

I know this is a really horrible thing to post at the beginning of the year, when everyone is acutely aware of what they're eating (and how much they ate over the holidays) but this little recipe is worth it. You don't have to make it now but you really should file it away for something special.  Valentine's Day perhaps? I'm sure your sweetie will love it. 

I found this gem off Pinterest (are you following me yet?) and made it exactly as it's written.  It is insanely rich and I never say that, but it is.  The first time I made it I served it for a friend's birthday and almost everyone left half of theirs.  It was just too much. But they also agreed that it was delish and worth having again.  

Individual Peanut Butter Pies 

For the crust

16 Oreo cookies
4 T unsalted butter, melted

For the filling

1 cup heavy cream
8 ounces cream cheese
1 cup creamy-style peanut butter
1 cup confectioner's sugar
1 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk
1 t vanilla extract

Directions:

1. Place the Oreo cookies into the bowl of a food processor and pulse into fine crumbs. In a small bowl, combine cookie crumbs and melted butter and stir.
2. Evenly divide the crumbs between your individual serving dishes and press into the bottoms of the dishes to form a crust layer.
2. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment or in a large bowl with an electric mixer, beat the heavy cream until stiff peaks form. Transfer whipped cream to a small bowl and place it into the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the filling.
3. Place cream cheese and peanut butter the mixing bowl and beat on medium speed until smooth. Reduce speed to low and gradually add in confectioners' sugar until well combined. Add in sweetened condensed milk and vanilla and beat on medium speed until mixture is creamy and smooth. Take care to scrape down the sides of the bowl as needed.
4. Stir in 1/3 of the whipped cream into the filling mixture. Use a rubber spatula to fold in the remaining whipped cream until well blended until no streaks remain.
3. Evenly pipe or spoon the filling into individual serving dishes. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 3 hours before serving. If desired, garnish with whipped cream and chocolate curls.

And they're pretty, which is always a good thing.

My next recipe will be more appropriate for what we're all starting to think about it (swimsuit season is just around the corner!) but I had to start off big.  And nothing is bigger than this.  Enjoy!  And report back if you try it, ok?