Five.

Dear Austin,

Really?  Five years old?  How in the world did that happen?

Here's the funny thing about you:  I never knew that we needed you.  We weren't planning on having you, not in the least and then one day, I knew.  Knew that there was a sweet little boy waiting to come to our family and once I knew, there was no turning back.  

Your dad was a little harder to convince but once he met you, well, there's nothing that could keep you two apart.  You are exactly what our family needed and you bring the rest of us so much happiness.  In a lot of ways, you are the baby to not just our family but several of our friends as well and the love that surrounds you is immeasurable.  You captivate everyone you meet and I'm told again and again what an amazing little man you are.  

I couldn't agree more.  

I was worried about the eight years that separates you and Spencer but the two of you have closed that gap like it's not even there.  To say that you love your big brother is like saying

the sky is blue;  you follow his every move and try your best to keep up.  Luckily, Spence feels the same way and rarely tires of your constant shadow.  I love watching the two of you together as you take on the world around you. 

And then there's the girls.  Hannah is a second mama to you and you love the way she cares for you.  Sienna can give you a run for your money but I often find the two of you wrapped up in some world you've created together.  One of my favorite things in the relationship you four kids have with one another.  It fortifies me to know that you will always have each other to love and lean on. 

As for me, well, you are my perfect little companion.  I love that you get excited about everything, both big and small and that in so many ways you're fearless.  I love that you still carry that blue blanket with the giraffe on it wherever you go and always look for me to snuggle with.  I love that your face falls into dimples when you smile which you do most of the time.  I love that are the perfect five-year-old blend of big kid and little kid and that you know your Mama loves you more than the air she breathes.  

You are the exact thing I never knew I wanted and I thank my lucky stars for you everyday. 

Happy Birthday, Auzzie.  

Love,

Mama

13

Dear Spencer,

Yesterday you turned 13 years old.  

THIRTEEN.  

I am now the mother of a teenager. And it doesn't freak me out at all because who you are at 13 is what most people are trying to achieve in adulthood. Ok, it freaks me out a little but I'm doing my best. 

At 13, you love soccer and tennis and music.  You are running for ASB (vice-pres again!) for the next school year.  You are working hard on earning your Eagle Scout.  You are studying daily and put in your time with algebra which is annoying now but will more than pay off when you don't have to take it in high school.  You are figuring out ways to earn money for yourself.  You are the best babysitter around to your siblings and never complain when asked to fill in for me or dad.  You take things seriously, whether it be Senior Patrol Leader or planning an activity.  You are developing a wicked sense of humor that often mirrors me and dad but is also uniquely your own.  You are an accomplished writer who comes up with the most fascinating stories.  You are a few hairs away from being officially taller than your Mama.  You are finally starting to have a real appetite and ask for food all the time.  You are kind and sweet and so easy to love.  You make me proud every second of every day and I will never tire of cheering you on in whatever you do.  

At 13, you are driven and concerned with doing what's right.  You have started to talk of college and missions and it overwhelms me to think of how little time I have left with you.  Five summers separates you from the real world and I would be a fool not to admit that the idea makes my heart hurt.  Five summers of watching you grow and seeing you accomplish your dreams.  Five summers of that smile that comes so easily to your face and lights up our world.  Five summers of dance parties in the kitchen, House Hunters at night, and the race from one sports practice to another.  Five summers to convince you fully that you are capable of changing the world and that you have work to do.  Five summers to love you with all that I have and pray that you'll know that every day of your life.  

Happy Birthday Spence.  You are a dream come true.  

Love,
Mama

It Already Is

via thegoogleyear.blogspot.com

 

 

Last night when I crawled into bed, I laid very still.

Brad could sense it, my unease, hovering just inches below the covers that I had pulled so tightly around me. 

We had a nice day.  He worked and I worked. Lunch together. No homework for Spence (worth celebrating!) and rained out practice for he and Sienna.  A new family over for dinner.

The day should have been ranked as an above-average Monday.  Worth celebrating as a few "that's sure nices" where thrown our way.

But then.  Then the big bad world reared it's ugly head and did it's best to ruin it. 

Something about me:  I have a physical reaction 99% of the time to upsetting news.  My stomach churns, my head pounds and shivers run through me.  So when the news of Boston and Utah found their way to me, my reaction was physical.  I couldn't get warm  and stop myself from shaking.  Tears threatened to fall at any moment.  And the pain in my stomach was sudden and consuming.

My emotional reaction to the bad in the world is also always the same: to run.  Gather up my kids and run awy with them and Brad.  Find a nice little spot for us to call our own and spend our days together where I know they are safe.  The idea feels both logical and illogical and my rational brain knows better, but if my children and the children of the world can't be safe at school or a movie or the sidelines of a marathon, where can they be? 

Brad is used to this reaction in me and did what he always does; held me close, reminded me of all the good in the world and told me it would be ok. 

I won't lie...I had a hard time falling asleep but when I did, I dreamt of the good stuff.  My happy kids and our healthy bodies.  How people keep showing up day after day and doing the right thing.  And when I woke this morning, I decided that this is where evil stops and hope reigns supreme. 

I'm not going to give the bad guys another moment of my time.  I'm not going to run and hide.  I'm not going to drive Spence to the bus stop or stop my kids from going to the park and promote the fear that these types of people are banking on me to promote. 

I'm going to hold my head high and live out loud, just like always.  I'm going to cheer on my kids at soccer games and tennis matches, and yell out as many "good jobs!" to the other kids that I can.  I'm going to know that I can count on my friends to fill in the gaps that I often create and more than anything, I'm going to love on my kids and The Rizz like there's no tomorrow.

Cause maybe there isn't. 

But you won't find me cowering in my shell. You'll see me standing tall, smile on my face, knowing that the good far outweighs the bad and that heros exist everywhere.  You'll see me throwing as much love out into the world as I can and praying that some of it lands on the people who need it most. You'll see me teaching my kids that the only way to change things is to show up and fight for what you believe, to love those you come in contact with and to wear a smile more than anything else. 

We took a blow today, you and I.  We faltered for a moment and lost sight of what's most important. But our strength is returning and we're ready to say that love wins, that good people will change the world and that we're ready for battle. 

So yeah, this is happening. Join us?

It Takes A Village

I've been thinking lately about my little village.  The village of people The Rizz and I have surrounded ourselves with who tend to us, our children, our happiness.  The village that steps in when one of us has stepped out, the people who can turn my day around with a listening ear or a silly text that makes my day.  I've come to rely on my village so heavily in fact that I can't quite imagine life without them. 

I know plenty of private people. People who keep to themselves and handle everything within the walls of their own homes.  People who never seem to need help and can handle all the up and downs and in betweens with grace and dignity and privateness.  I admire the heck out of them.  Personal crisis without shouting it from the rooftops?  I get a hangnail and call the appropriate people. 

I am an over-sharer to the enth degree.  There is nothing that's off limits with me.  Well, almost nothing.  And while the repercussions of that has roared it's ugly head a time or two, I can't imagine being any other way.  My life is one that is lived out loud, in HD 1080P color.  It probably often begs for judgement but doesn't make excuses for it's choices.  My village gets it and having them get it is one of my life's greatest gifts. 

But here's what I love most about my village:  it goes both ways.  They take care of us and we try our best to take care of them.  They love on my kids and aren't afraid to give the necessary hugs and kisses if they are needed.  They know how we parent and pick up right where we left off.  I know their kids allergies and who needs what to sleep. I know what movies are spooky to so-and-so and the signs of an imminent meltdown when some extra snuggles are all that's required.   It overwhelms me sometimes, this community we've built to surround our children with good, reliable, kind people.  People who have additional eyes and ears on my kids and protect them when it's needed.  

Like when we were sledding and one of the dad's of our village scooped Austin up just before he would have been toppled over by a wayward sled, knowing that the Rizz and I were too far away to get to him. 

Or when I failed to buy the right shirt/snack/notebook and another mom from our village grabbed them for me, thus making my daughter's day.  

Or when a listening ear is given, free of judgement or prejudice so that I can rattle off my latest frustrations and ask for another perspective.  

This is the stuff of our life and while it may looked bizarre to those on the outside, it's the only thing that makes sense to me.  My kids know they are loved, by us and our village, and I'm convinced that more love makes better people.  I find immense comfort knowing that when my children are frustrated with me and can't seem to get their point across, they have other adults in their lives they can trust and turn to.  I would do the same for them in a heartbeat. 

I love this.  This crazy life we've constructed and the people we've chosen to be cheerleaders for us and our kids.  This community of taking care of and being there for and working together to create the best possible little humans that we can.  This village of people who makes our life our life.  And while I stand in awe of those who can do it alone, I'm eternally grateful that we don't have to. 

My Many Hats

For the time being, I've hung up my trusty stay-at-home mom hat and have eased my way into a working-mama model. I've done this before and we all managed to survive but I'm feeling like the lessons to be learned here are for me and for me alone.  

Lessons like KEEP YOUR COOL.  Don't lose your temper and yell at your Squish because she is so busy being 7 and you've lost sight of what that means. 

And REMEMBER THAT EVERYTHING ELSE CAN WAIT.  YOUR KIDS CAN'T.  In the witching hour of afternoons where homework meets breakfast kitchen cleanup meets dinner prep, slow down and look at your children.  Determine what they need and then give it freely.  It's usually a snuggle on the couch or a conversation at the table.  The dishes will wait.  You can throw something in the microwave for dinner.  But the one-on-one time with your kids after their school day has ended is a crucial and necessary step to their well being.  And yours.  

And don't forget to BE THE MAMA THEIR USED TO.  Remember, the crazy that this gig has caused in your life is nothing compared to what it's done to theirs so be predictable.  React as usual.  Show them that they are worth accountability and stability.  

And my personal favorite DON'T MAKE EXCUSES.  Yes, you are tired.  Yes, you are sleep-deprived.  Yes, you are trying to be everything to everyone with the added bonus of a nine to five but YOU chose this so buck up and get it done.  There is no excuse for your short temper.  Or your desire to do nothing in the evening but curl up with the book you're reading. They still need you to be YOU so put a smile on your face and give them that.  

I'm grateful for the opportunity to see both sides.  I'm lucky to be able to chose when I work and for how long.  I know that it's a luxury not afforded to everyone.  I'm grateful to be gainfully employed and the mother that I've always wanted to be.  

SAHM meet Working Mama.  Get comfortable with each other and figure it out. There's work to be done that only you can do. 

Things I Need My Daugthers To Know, Sooner Rather Than Later

*This was originally written last weekend.  I thought I would re-visit it and rearrange my thoughts but have since decided that this is how I really felt and I want to be true to that.  I'm pretty sure a version for my boys is coming soon. 


Our day didn't end well.  

And rather than harping on who did what or how poorly I reacted, I'm writing it out. Not that sad story of what led us here, to me, pounding away on the keyboard late one Saturday night, but the lessons I'm trying to teach, the things I need them to know, the mistakes I'm continuing to make, and what it's all for.  

1.   Your sister is the longest the relationship you will ever have and is not an experience afforded to    everyone.
2.   When kindness reigns, anger flees.
3.   THE LITTLE THINGS ARE THE BIG THINGS.
4.   You will one-day miss the confines of the room you share.  
5.   Friends will disappoint you but the safety of your sister will always carry you through.
6.   Crazy mode can drive the rest of us batty but is the memory-maker of your childhood.
7.   Serving your family with a happy heart will change the way you live your life. 
8.   There is no one in the world you more closely resemble, on the inside, than your sister.
9.   Being angry is ok.  It's what you do with that anger that shows who you really are.
10.  Forgiveness is key.  Forgetting is the obstacle.
11.  There will come a time when no matter what happens to you, your sister will be the first person you think of to call and share it with.
12.  When my frustrations get the better of me, know that it is because of a weakness in my spirit and not yours.
13.  NO ONE LOVES YOU LIKE MAMA.
14.  I know who you are.  And I'm proud.
15.  You can't gain self confidence from anyone else.  It is something you have to find within you and let shine forth.
16.  People do stupid things.  You will too.  Learn and do better.
17.  Never underestimate the power of the words "I'm sorry."
18.  Ice cream sometimes really helps.
19.  Don't be afraid to say what you need.
20.  Trust your gut.  In rarely disappoints.
21.  Laugh.
22.  Cry.
23.  Take care of yourself.
24.  Never let your last word be one of anger.  Get over yourself and always part on good terms.
25.  The work of a mother is the hardest possible work.  It is also the most divinely given and what will bring you the most joy.
26.  Fight for those who need a fighter.
27.  Lean on each other.  Be vulnerable.
28.  Show your brothers what a strong woman is.  Be their example of what to look for.
29.  Ask for help when you need it.
30.  Be each others cheerleader.  Always offer your love and support.  Let it be known that you are always in each others (and your brother's) corner.
31.  Listen the first time.
32.  Don't wait to be told.  Look for ways to help.
33.  When given something, whether is be new socks or the latest video game, treat it with respect and take care of it.  Someone sacrificed to make sure you have it.
34.  I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU.
35.  Smile.  Show the world who you are.
36.  Decide right now that your glass is half full.  Look at what you have and not what you don't.
37.  Be smart.  Study.  Put in the work.  No one's academic career is more important than yours.
38.  Watch your father.  His example will teach you more than you ever imagined.
39.  Read.
40.  Do something nice for each other every day.  Don't seek out praise.  This habit will make into the type of women I already know you'll be.
41.  Spend time with your brothers, especially Spencer.  He'll be gone before we know it.
42.  Get yourself organized.  Tend to your room and keep it orderly.
43.  Know what's expected and when you're unsure, ask.
44.  Start now being the person you want to be.
45.  IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.
46.  Feel joy.  You were meant to be happy.
47.  Pray.  For yourself and each other. Often.
48.  Never doubt all of us who are cheering for you.
49.  Hold your head high.  Don't let the insecurities of others become your own.
50.  Love with your whole self.  Hold nothing back. 

Above all, be kind.  To yourselves, to each other, to the world around you.  We are in desperate need of more kindness and I know that it lives within each of you.  Use what you've been given and change the world my girlies.