Ok honey, time to renew your membership to Slow Learners Of America....
Haven't we been focused on getting healthy? Haven't we been killing ourselves on our bike, bruising our unmentionables all in the hopes of thin thighs? Haven't we been trying desperately to set a good example for our kids who currently exist on a diet of mac-n-cheese and Crystal Lite? Haven't we been thrilled to see the numbers go down instead of going up?
Then what, pray tell, has happened to all the progress we've made to make you think it's normal to eat one's body weight in Halloween candy? To search mercilessly through your children's Halloween haul, plucking out all the Reese's Peanut Buttercups and 1000 Grand bars? To find any excuse to open the pantry door and snarf on some candy, secretly annoyed with all the homeowner's who think it's perfectly ok to pass out crap candy like gumpdrops and NERDS?
Get. A. Grip. Tubby!
I've tried my best to teach you, jumbling your stomach around in knots all day causing you to wish for relief. I've sent you to the bathroom numerous times and caused you to curl up in the fetal on the couch gripping your tummy in pain. Do you get it now? Do you see that I'm serious? I will not be mocked. I will make you yearn for happier times. I was just starting to get used to a healthier fuel and then you go and muck it all up with Hershey Bars and M&Ms.
You can do better. WE deserve better. Take the enormous amount of candy your wee ones collected and toss it in the garbage. You have proven that you have no control and despite my best efforts, you don't seem to be getting it.
Seriously. Stop the carnage. Refocus and think of your goals before someone slaps a "Save the Whales" sticker on your arse.
Wanting to purge,