Sunday, November 02, 2008

How Quickly They Forget

Dear Brain,

Ok honey, time to renew your membership to Slow Learners Of America....

Haven't we been focused on getting healthy? Haven't we been killing ourselves on our bike, bruising our unmentionables all in the hopes of thin thighs? Haven't we been trying desperately to set a good example for our kids who currently exist on a diet of mac-n-cheese and Crystal Lite? Haven't we been thrilled to see the numbers go down instead of going up?

Then what, pray tell, has happened to all the progress we've made to make you think it's normal to eat one's body weight in Halloween candy? To search mercilessly through your children's Halloween haul, plucking out all the Reese's Peanut Buttercups and 1000 Grand bars? To find any excuse to open the pantry door and snarf on some candy, secretly annoyed with all the homeowner's who think it's perfectly ok to pass out crap candy like gumpdrops and NERDS?


Get. A. Grip. Tubby!

I've tried my best to teach you, jumbling your stomach around in knots all day causing you to wish for relief. I've sent you to the bathroom numerous times and caused you to curl up in the fetal on the couch gripping your tummy in pain. Do you get it now? Do you see that I'm serious? I will not be mocked. I will make you yearn for happier times. I was just starting to get used to a healthier fuel and then you go and muck it all up with Hershey Bars and M&Ms.

You can do better. WE deserve better. Take the enormous amount of candy your wee ones collected and toss it in the garbage. You have proven that you have no control and despite my best efforts, you don't seem to be getting it.

Seriously. Stop the carnage. Refocus and think of your goals before someone slaps a "Save the Whales" sticker on your arse.

Wanting to purge,
Your body

12 comments:

Stacia said...

How is it that the brain makes it soo hard? We bought a bag of cheapo candy in the bulk section for trick or treaters. We only got 3 kids at our door! Three! So now we have a bunch of candy in a big bowl by the door!

lindsay>boo said...

Jared and I have been gorging ourselves on candy all weekend...and we've both been sick to our stomachs too...

Kate said...

I am throwing ours out on Wednesday if I keep eating the way I have been.....I think all parents everywhere are just all cringing that they have so much candy in their house, lol.
Oh, and I am impressed at how much chocolate you have!! Gabe seriously only got like 3 little chocolate bars, and the rest was sugary candy.

Brooklet said...

ITs the other way around with my. My brain understands that I shouldn't be eating the candy, but my body, without the consent of my brain, keeps eating and eating those darn snickers. DARN SNICKERS!

AOlson said...

When my kids walked in the door from trick-or-treating they all three said, "Here you go Mom." And handed me their baskets. Sad sad day!!

Kris said...

There is so much candy on my countertops, that I'm bound to pop something in my mouth everytime I walk by. Not good. Good luck refraining from all of it!

Ms. Kristen said...

Too funny! I laughed out loud! We had to throw it away....because of the temptations! Get thee hence Satan! I love chocolate!

stylist to the stars said...

I know that you are strong Karen Johnson. There is always tomorrow. I know because I tell myself that everyday!

Sarah said...

I feel your pain Karen. The candy has got to go! I'm shipping some of it off to my little brother and sister in college. I'm actually quite sick of looking at it at this point.

Kelly said...

I hear you loud and clear...Connor and I have been eating Reeses' and Almond Joys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner ALL weekend!

Shauna said...

I love Halloween but glad it is over so I stop eating all that junk :)

Sara said...

I am rolling in laughter at the last little sentiment of this post. So funny! Thanks for writing what I have been feeling these last few days.