Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Personal Brand of Tasmanian Devils

I seriously need help. It's a little embarrassing. Brad chuckles every time I bring it up and I know it sounds ridiculous but I don't know what to do. I've tried everything I can think of and yet I start each day with the same problem.

I've forgotten how to sleep.


Well, no, wait now. I haven't forgotten how to sleep exactly. I've forgotten how to sleep comfortably. I wake up every morning all mangled and crippled. First I curse the mattress. Then I curse the pillow. Then I creak and crack and roll out of bed, trying not to turn my head to the right for fear my neck will snap right in two.

It sucks.

I have a theory. I always have a theory and I know this one to be true. My discomfort is directly related to, ahem, my udders.

Bear with me. I know I just set the feminist movement back 50 years by comparing myself to a cow but let's be honest here. All they do is hang about and create milk so really. Am I all that far off in my assessment here? I. Think. Not.

My theory goes like this: because of the fact that my udders take up about 95% of my torso, I can't sleep on my side like a normal person. When I try, it feels like two wombats are at battle on my neck. There is much gnashing and smashing and squishing going on and I can't breathe. If I try sleeping on my back, well, that's no good either. Now it's like the wombats are trying to burr into my armpits for the winter and that's not exactly the quickest path to REM sleep. And obviously the stomach is off, because, well, you try sleeping on top of two wombats.

My solution to this problem of late has been to sleep on my side with my arm under my pillow. This was working swimmingly until suddenly it wasn't. I started waking up in the morning with agonizing pain between my shoulder blades and because I am a slow learner, I originally blamed everything around me.

"Brad! We need a new mattress! This one is horrible!"

Three days later...

"Brad! We need new pillows! These ones are horrible!"

And then, finally...

"Brad! I need new udders! These ones are horrible!"

And so the story goes.

For the past several days, I've been trying to learn a new way of sleeping. Let me tell you, way easier said than done. When you have that one perfectly comfy position for rest, it's hard to trick your body into thinking something else will feel just as good. I toss. I turn. I start to hyperventilate because it's the middle of the night and I haven't been to sleep yet and then I inevitably thrust my arm under my head and go right to sleep. And wake up disfigured.

Last night's dance of the wombat combined with my son who seems to have an ear infection granted me approximately 24 seconds of sleep. This does not make for a happy Kiz-Jo.

I am hoping that because I am on the verge of face-planting into the keyboard that I will drift off to sleep in record time, arm tucked securely by my side. I am hoping the wombats will snuggle in and stay put. I am hoping that Dr. Rey will make a house call and cut these udders right off while I sleep, comfortably, arms where they're supposed to be. And most importantly, I am hoping to awake in the morning renewed and refreshed and without the need of an entire tube of Icy Hot.

Here's to hoping.


Amy said...

LOL!!! Oh my goodness, I was laughing so hard. Sadly, I feel your pain. My neck was out for seriously 3 weeks because of awkward sleeping positions thanks to this very problem. I have to sleep with support. Oh my goodness, this was so funny!
p.s. I was just thinking this afternoon how I feel no different than a cow. Funny you should mention that...

Sarah said...

Karen you are hilarious! Wombats - so funny. I was laughing because I say a lot of the same things when I wake up in the morning. I'm always complaining that we need a new mattress and I feel like an old woman when I roll out of bed in the morning. I can't even sleep-in any more because after so many hours of laying down my body hurts and I have to get up. Here's to a pain free nights sleep!

Heather said...

I totally sleep with my arm under the pillow too! Let's go get surgery together. It'll be like a serious GNO. :)

stylist to the stars said...

Maybe we are getting old? Is that something to make you feel better?

I think it is the nursing thing. I did't feel good until I was done. Good Luck!

tharker said...

Udders. Spoken like a true nursing mother.

Wombats...dang it Karen, why do you have to make me laugh so hard??!!

I'll put in a call to Dr. Rey.

Megan said...

So funny!!!!! i completely understand. my neck has been in a kink for three weeks from sleeping weird.
I feel for you...

Kelly said...

Yesterday, I read this post while I was at work. I was wishing I had brought an extra pair of pants along... Almost peed my pants and had tears streaming down my face.
My coworkers were worried.

Just so you know... I too, wake up feeling like a 97 year old lady each morning. I think it's called being in our 30's. Although, I'm SURE the wombats have something to do with it too. :)

debsters said...

Just think back to 8-9 months pregnant. It's got to be better than that. right??
My secret is at least 4 pillows strategically placed in all the right spots.

Annette Rose said...

Oh Karen... whenever I need a good laugh I need to remember your posts and just scroll through your blog. Between your PTO photocopy story and this new one which I will forever refer to as "Wombats" I think I will always have something to laugh about. You are so friggin hilarious! I am so sorry to find so much humor in your pain, but isn't that what always makes us laugh the hardest? You are a gem and I am sorry you can't sleep, but I am grateful for the funny story. I shall think of you when I lie down tonight! I'm not a good sleeper either. Let us know if you figure out the fix!

Sara said...

I love it, I really feel your pain and can so relate to finding no comfortable position to sleep, especially when the "big milk bags" are in the way. Yes, I refer to my utters as milk bags when I am nursing.