Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dear Spence,

It feels like it's been so long since I've written you. So long since we've gone on a date, or had one of our great late-night conversations, or had you smooch me before you get out of the car in the morning. You feel far away to me and while I will always be on the sidelines cheering you on in this life, I need you closer. Closer to me in every possible way because even though your life is changing, your independence growing, your confidence building, I am going to convince you that you will always need your Mama. Right by your side.

You are growing up. It thrills me. And it breaks my heart.

You are involved in so many things right now, maybe too much, but you have so much excitement about life and new things that it's nearly impossible for me to say no to you. Basketball, scouts, and now math club (are you sure you're my child?) The days roll by and I'll find myself thinking "did I even see Spence today?" I want you to do and try and explore and learn everything but I can't help feeling a little resentment to those which currently hold your attention. That job used to belong to me. I'd kinda like it back.

But I understand. I understand your need to try on many different hats to see which ones fit the best. I understand that friends are becoming more and more important to you. I understand that you choose Dad now as your favorite and the one you want to spend time with. And it's okay, all of it, as long as you know at the end of the day that your Mama loves you more than anything and still needs time with you.

The other morning I found myself alone with Austin and it made me think of life without all your siblings, when it was just you and me during the day. I remember feeling like we had our own special club and no one else in the world knew what it meant to be a part of it. Surely no other mother ever loved her child as much as I loved you! I wanted to take in every second of our time, to store it away so that one day, when you were older, I would remember everything. How I wish our minds could let go of some of the nonsense that fills it up and remember the feelings. The pure joy I felt at being your mom. The determination I had to make your life as best as I could. The love that builds up and overtakes every other emotion.

The thing about being a mom is that you get used to a lot of things. You get used to doing more and expecting less. You get used to being the driver in the front seat and the tailor that mends the clothes. You get used to all of it, because it comes with the territory. But I will never get used to watching you walk away from me. I will never get used to feeling like there isn't enough time in the day for us. I will never get used to a life without you at the center.



Heather said...

Great. Great. Great. What a cute pic of Spence, I did notice how big he looked on Friday. Where is the time going?

tharker said...

This is my favorite letter to one of your children yet. Maybe it's because it's so beautiful, maybe it's because I am feeling the exact same emotions with Hannah right now, maybe it's just because I'm a mom and I understand completely what you are feeling.

Any way you put it, this was perfection. Just like your beautiful son. I love Spence!

Annette Rose said...

Holy crap, Karen... Must you make me cry in the middle of the day?! UGH!

That was probably the sweetest thing I have ever read in my life. You always write such sweet things to your kids, but that was simply beautiful. I have been having those same feelings watching Ky. I swear he grows up and away a little every day! Can I just copy and paste that to letter to Ky?

With a mother like you he will always know you are there for him.

AOlson said...

Karen, you know just exactly how to make me cry. I am in tears. This is one of my favorite letters that you have written. I may steal it and give it to Jacob. I feel exactly as you expressed in your letter. You are so good with words. Thank you.

Sara said...

I love this letter, I am feeling this same way about George, even though he is only three I feel like I can't remember detail of his newborn self the way I use to. Thanks for putting into words just what I have been feeling.

Marilyn said...

I love all your letters, and each time I read one, I think to myself "This one is my favorite." Your excellent writing really shines when you are writing to your children.

Sarah said...

I love these letters you write to your children. This was beautiful, your kids will cherish these someday.

lindsay>boo said...

Such a sweet letter. I got a blubbery reading this one.

Kelly said...

Unbelievably sweet and perfectly written. I'm so jealous of your writing ability...your words are my thoughts. Spencer is one of a kind and I have no doubt he'll be beyond happy to know you'll always be by his side. He is such a wonderful, kind, and thoughful young man!

Mimi said...

This will be a wonderful letter for Spencer to look back on! I don't know who is luckier, you or him!!