life according to the prp

Dear Spence,

It feels like it's been so long since I've written you. So long since we've gone on a date, or had one of our great late-night conversations, or had you smooch me before you get out of the car in the morning. You feel far away to me and while I will always be on the sidelines cheering you on in this life, I need you closer. Closer to me in every possible way because even though your life is changing, your independence growing, your confidence building, I am going to convince you that you will always need your Mama. Right by your side.

You are growing up. It thrills me. And it breaks my heart.

You are involved in so many things right now, maybe too much, but you have so much excitement about life and new things that it's nearly impossible for me to say no to you. Basketball, scouts, and now math club (are you sure you're my child?) The days roll by and I'll find myself thinking "did I even see Spence today?" I want you to do and try and explore and learn everything but I can't help feeling a little resentment to those which currently hold your attention. That job used to belong to me. I'd kinda like it back.

But I understand. I understand your need to try on many different hats to see which ones fit the best. I understand that friends are becoming more and more important to you. I understand that you choose Dad now as your favorite and the one you want to spend time with. And it's okay, all of it, as long as you know at the end of the day that your Mama loves you more than anything and still needs time with you.

The other morning I found myself alone with Austin and it made me think of life without all your siblings, when it was just you and me during the day. I remember feeling like we had our own special club and no one else in the world knew what it meant to be a part of it. Surely no other mother ever loved her child as much as I loved you! I wanted to take in every second of our time, to store it away so that one day, when you were older, I would remember everything. How I wish our minds could let go of some of the nonsense that fills it up and remember the feelings. The pure joy I felt at being your mom. The determination I had to make your life as best as I could. The love that builds up and overtakes every other emotion.

The thing about being a mom is that you get used to a lot of things. You get used to doing more and expecting less. You get used to being the driver in the front seat and the tailor that mends the clothes. You get used to all of it, because it comes with the territory. But I will never get used to watching you walk away from me. I will never get used to feeling like there isn't enough time in the day for us. I will never get used to a life without you at the center.

Love,
Mama