Monday, May 18, 2009

Little By Little


(My dear friend Kelly sent this magnet to me)


Have you ever wanted to take a brief vacation from yourself? To finally do, say and be the things that you don't normally allow yourself to do, say and be? To stop being so dependable, so reliable and efficient and organized, to just throw your hands in the air and act impulsively?

Today was a day that wore me out. Needy children (whom I desperately need but just not quite so much) troubling phone calls, an anxious visitor. On and on it went until I realized I had given away every morsel of myself and had nothing left. I turned around and poof! I was gone. I swear I was here a minute ago.

That's the thing with being put together. Other people notice your put-togetherness and start pulling little parts of you away. Not intentional, of course, not because they are trying to break you down but because they need something in their life and recognize that you just might be the one to give it to them.

I pride myself on being put together. By 7 am most every morning, you can find me in my kitchen, showered and completely ready for the day, making breakfast, packing lunches, signing off on homework. Getting it done. That's what I do. I get it done. And I love it. I love that I keep a clean house and would feel comfortable if a friend dropped in and needed to use my upstairs bathroom. It's okay, I would tell myself, it was just cleaned and replenished with fresh linens. I can mow the lawn, make homemade jam, sing with my kids and pat myself on the back at the end of it all.

But sometimes, sometimes I just want to sit back and be still. I want someone else to come and do my life for a day or twelve while I take a moment to soak in my surroundings. I want someone else to take care of me and keep track of all the responsibilities I have. I want someone to play counselor for me and hear me out on my worries and troubles. I want someone else to be responsible for saying the right thing, for cleaning it up and making it right. For once, I want to be Humpty Dumpty and not all the King's men. Someone else can put it together again.

At some point along the way, I've taken on roles in life that I wasn't quite prepared for. I was ready for "WIFE," ecstatic for "MOM," and well versed in "DAUGHTER" and "SISTER." But I wasn't ready to have all the answers, to be able to explain the unexplainable, to make sense of that which will never make sense. I wasn't prepared to have people look to me to take away some of the ache in their heart or to fill up what's missing. I try repeatedly and I desperately want to get it right and be to everyone what everyone needs. But not at the risk of losing me. Not at the risk of pushing myself so far down the list that I know I'll never get to it. To me, to the things I love and want and desperately need.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will wake rested and begin my day as I usually do and I will be long passed the feelings that sit with me now. Feelings that exhaust me and leave me wondering how to do more, to be more, to say more. To make the world right for everyone in my world. Tomorrow my optimism will be renewed and I will be happy to take my place in the middle of it all and do what needs to be done. But tonight? Tonight at the end of this very long day? I will allow it all to sink in and give myself permission to be a little sad, a little overwhelmed, a little tired.

But just for tonight.

11 comments:

Lisa said...

oh boy, do I get it!

Amy said...

You are so amazing! I can't completely relate though, because I'm not put together at all! Someday...
Needing a moment to myself though? THAT I get! Okay, that I understand... however rarely get...

Sarah said...

You do have it together! It's totally ok though to take a vacation from being that way and just chilll out for a few days. You could always unplug the phone, grab a good book and some lemonade and relax in your backyard.

stylist to the stars said...

I wish I could bring you a big piece of chocolate cake and we could watch th Bachelorette and drink pero.

Or that I could make us the best lunch ever like chicken salad or bowtie pasta for Thursday.

Or I will just be here to listen to you when you need it? (totally not as good as the rest of them:)

Titan said...

I had these exact thoughts yesterday after I had a confrontation with a heroine dealer/user in my mother's front yard (no, my mother ain't buyin') while standing there with my mom's pink birthday balloon in my hand. And I thought... really? Is this really happening? And then, much later, when the adrenaline had begun to fade and I waited for tears that have long dried up... when is someone going to protect me, pay attention to me, celebrate me, let me cry on their shoulder? When do I get to rely on some other person's pillars of strength? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, mine are going to crumble REALLY FREAKIN SOON!!! It's the punishment of being competent and compassionate and complete.

PRP said...

Dear Titan,

June 5th and 6th sister, I will be your pillar of strength!

Love you,
The PRP

Kelly said...

Yup...I hear ya. You ARE so together that I seriously do not know how you do it! I strongly believe if momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy...So remember to take time for yourself whenever you need it, every day. YOU deserve a break too.

Take a cue from Sienna and go break into a bag of croutons... That'll make you smile.

Janna G said...

When you need a girls night out give me a call. Lets us all take a break!

Heather said...

Karen, Karen, Karen. I love you, and all that you are. Everyone needs a break, and to cry, and to be worn out and do nothing.

I'll totally throw a "b-day lunch" if that's what you need to get the water works going.

lindsay>boo said...

I'm sorry you've had such a rotten time. Hang in there, and if there's anything you need, let me know. I can be a really great listener if you need one.

lindsay>boo said...

I'm sorry you've had such a rotten time. Hang in there, and if there's anything you need, let me know. I can be a really great listener if you need one.