Thursday, August 31, 2006

Star Wars, Episode 7

About 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child, I started using a fan at night to help me sleep because I was so hormonal and hot all the time. I used it all throughout my pregnancy and it saved my life. Once I had the baby, I continued to use it because it was late spring and just getting really warm outside. When fall finally rolled back around, I decided I probably didn't need it anymore and switched it off one night. That's when the shat literally hit the fan.

I tried to go to sleep. Really, I did, but suddenly the noises that my husband made while he slept made me want to plunge off the nearest cliff. Sounds that I once found charming in early marriage now made me want to staple my head to the carpet and have someone run over me repeatedly. At first, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to hurt the feelings of the man I loved beyond all else, but I found myself wondering if I could continue to love a man who sounded like he was being strangled by Jabba the Hut night after night.

The next day I gingerly brought up the subject over breakfast. To my utter shock and amazement, he felt the same way!!! While he was busy each night wrestling Jabba, I apparently was channeling Darth Vadar with my "heavy breathing." "Luke, I am your Faaatttthhherrr....." over and over again. The Force definately was not with us.

At least we agreed that the fan would always be part of our lives and we became increasingly dependent on the white noise that accompanied us to sleep each and every night. We're at the point now that we even have a "travel fan" we take with us wherever we go.

We were still using our original fan up until a few nights ago when it started making odd noises. Suddenly, the very thing that kept Jabba and Darth out of our bedroom was starting to sound like R2D2 on crack. Eeeeekkkk, wwwoooonnnnk, brrnnnggg, ccchhhaaggggg. It was awful but I still turned it on each night because I knew what was waiting for me if I didn't. And then it died, a full blown death, one giant Yoda arse-whooping. I panicked. Freaked out. What do we do? How will we sleep? Is Wal-Mart still open? I can't handle this! I need my sleep! I hate Jabba! Please oh please Fan Gods, help me out... Never fear, I suddenly thought, we are the psycho family who has a travel fan! That will work. As my pulse started to slow down I hunted for the travel fan. I grabbed it and headed to the nearest outlet only to discover that the prongs were completely bent whacko, most likely the result of our last travel adventure. There goes the pulse again.

I finally MacGyvered the fan into working order, a full 1/2 hour later, but I laid my head down secure in the knowledge that Jabba would be kept at bay for another night. I guess The Force really was with us afterall.


Tharker said...

Ok, Darth! Lovin all of the Star Wars crazy talk! This from you, is quite hillarious. No wonder you were afraid of Darth Vader as a child, cuz little did you were scaring your own self to sleep! Very humorous to me. Also loving the array of choice words ie...shat, arse, on crack. Could you stop making me pee my pants every time I read your freakin' blog! J/K, you know I check it like 3 times a day just to get a new fill of the PRP. Thanks for the laughs. Tharker

Anonymous said...

I love it! My mother in law sleeps w/ a fan too...and has a "travel" fan. You are not alone. I never thought you were a deep breather. Now Chris, she is a DEEP breather.

Anonymous said...

I just returned from a cruise wherein I shared a room with a rather large woman who will never read this blog. In the planning stages, we had laughingly admitted that we had both been accused of snoring and agreed that we could deal with it. I HAD NO IDEA! The first night I tried the MP3, pillow over the head; I did everything but sleep. At 5:30 a.m. I gave up and left the cabin to sit in the lounge and read until sun up. This proved to be a huge blessing in disguise. Each morning, the couple of hours I spent alone in the lounge reading with spectacular Alaska in my vision or taking a few laps on the top deck proved to be my favorite part of the cruise. On succeeding nights, I stayed up later and was more tired from the exciting day but I never made it past 6:30 a.m. before creeping out into the silence. GS

Anonymous said...

Yes, deep breathers make the best of EVERY moment of sleep...from one deep b to another - a fan is a beautiful thing! CJ