Ah, the vaginal ultrasound. As all-American as fourth of July BBQs, homemade jam and small town parades. What a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
The procedure itself wasn't all that bad although I was a little unnerved by the giant wand of terror that looked like it was sporting an extra large condom filled with jelly but that's just me. I was actually surprised at how easy and painless it was. (And by painless I mean the physical kind. Toes up to the sky while continuing to bleed is horribly undignified and emotionally very painful.) Then comes the really fun part...dun, dun, dun...THE RESULTS.
In walks Dr. Turner, whom I still adore despite his penchant for ordering me to have non-fun procedure after procedure.
"The good news about gynecological problems" he begins "is that it keeps us gynecologists busy. Think of all the mayhem we could be causing if all the uteruses of the world were normal." I'm guessing that this is his way of calming my fears but it's not working.
"Here's the thing: your ultrasound is basically normal except that your endometrium is incredibly thick and we're not sure why. Your ovaries look great but that pesky endometrium is causing me some concern."
Stupid, pesky endometrium I think to myself.
"We can proceed in one of two ways. First we can do a blahblibiblah which is a similar procedure to what you had today although we'll insert a catheter hooked to a small camera, fill your uterus with saline and look around."
"How do you get the saline back out?" I ask. "Stick a pin in my stomach and watch it squirt?"
"Karen, I am trying to offer you sound medical advice and you keep making me laugh! I'm not going to look at you anymore because I can't keep a straight face." He literally shields his face from mine and proceeds, making us both laugh harder.
"The second option is more invasive than the first, known as a blahblidddyblahbliddyblah, and requires you to be put under general anesthesia, which I would actually appreciate because then you would be quiet." He lowers his hands and smiles. "We go in with a scope, biopsy your endometrium, and do a complete D&C so that we can clear everything out and make sure that there's isn't anything left to cause you to bleed." Lovely.
We talk about my options and initally decide to go with the second procedure because there's a good chance that they would find something during the first one which would cause me to have the second one anyway. Then we change our minds and decide to go with the first one since it's less invasive and still helpful in determining the problem. So that's what awaits me and my superthick endometrium. More time in the stirrups, more wands of terror and more hemorrhaging. Bring it on.