My heart is very full.
Very heavy, very full.
The last three weeks have been a whirlwind. Some of the whirling was great (girl's camp, home projects, a trip to Seattle) and some of the whirling left me feeling broken and scattered all over the place.
I helped bury my dear friend's mom yesterday who left us suddenly on the fourth of July.
It's been hard holding my heart together ever since.
The thing about death is that it consumes you when you least expect it and makes you yearn for the person who's gone so severely that you feel like your drowning and don't have the ability to save yourself. Although I yearned for her when she was here, for her warmth, generosity, kind spirit and advice, I need her more now. And so I am sad. Sad when I'm trying to be happy for my kids, sad when I'm trying to comfort my friend, sad in a way that feels like all other emotions have left me.
But really! She would be so mad at me. She would roll her eyes and yell my name in her sing-songy way and tell me to knock it off. Get over it! Life is good! Life is great! Life is the best thing ever! Don't waste another second being sad about me!
So I won't be sad for her any longer. I will celebrate her, remember her, cherish everything she taught me and all the kindness she showed me. I will laugh at those memories and hold them close, for I was one of the lucky ones. I was touched by an angel whose time on earth was a little too short for my liking, but still. I am a lucky one.
Now my job is to wrap her children together and hold them close as they navigate the next chapter of their lives. I will be there for the laughter and the sadness, the memories and stories, and I will give them reasons to smile when the rest seems lost. I will do it. She would want me to.
Perhaps my biggest job now will be to take her sweet grandbaby aside and whisper the stories of Grandma in her ear and help her to know the amazing woman her Grandma was. I will tell this sweet baby that no one had a hold on Grandma's heart like she did and that she was loved enough in their two short years together to last a lifetime. I will tell her.
And for my dear friend whose heart is broken, I will pray for her, everyday of my life, for peace and comfort and the continued knowledge that Mom is still here. Mom is everywhere, watching us all, celebrating our lives with us. Her life will be honored by the people she gave us and the way she taught us to tend to one another. I will tend to you. I will do anything. I will remind you that Mom is still here. And over time, I will be one of the many who help you find the pieces of your heart and mend it back togther.