Monday, February 04, 2008

Just When You Thought You'd FINALLY Gotten Rid Of Me

I think that may have been the longest break in blogging history. It wasn't intentional, but my mom was here and I was having too much fun playing with her that I neglected everything else. Anyway, thanks for the great visit Mom. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.


So here's the thing. I have approximately one pair of maternity pants. Well, two if you count my lovely black velour sweats, but really. I have several pairs of capris and skirts but since it's winter, that's not working so well. BUT, last week, after being sick to death of my one pair of pants, I ventured out into the snow in capris and ballet flats.

And I felt cute for the first time in months. Cold and getting lots of odd looks, but cute. And I was so smug with myself that I forgot about the one issue capris are famous for---the drawstring waist.

In my normal life, a drawstring waist is no reason for alarm. But when your belly is the size of say, Rhode Island, a drawstring can be your worst enemy. When I was pregnant with Spence a mere eight years ago, I had just gotten home from teaching kindergarten and found myself in the bathroom once again. As I tried to blindly undue the drawstring, I discovered that I had created a knot the size of Texas and COULD NOT get my pants off. Panic set in like no other as I struggled with what to do, pulling and yanking on that darn knot until I finally did what any wise pregnant woman would do.

I climbed into the shower and literally peed my pants.

Not my proudest moment but hell hath no fury like a pregnant bladder.

Fast forward to pregnancy number four and I am in a similar predicament. Although this time I'm not at home. This time I am shopping and there is no shower waiting to offer me salvation. It's just me, the knot from Hades, and my bulging bladder. In my panic, my mind started wandering to things like waterfalls and oceans and I freaked out at the prospect of slinking out of TJMaxx with wet drawers, trying to cover myself and the yellow trail during departure. It. was. horrible.

But, like a gift from the heavens above, I was suddenly granted super pregnant woman strength and I RIPPED THE DRAWSTRING IN PIECES and ahem, relieved myself. In the toilet.


The things we do for children.


Tharker said...

You are Superwoman!

I'm sure that you were dang cute in your capris and ballet flats, even if you did end up with frostbite.

Your child better appreciate all of your sacrifice!

Megan said...

I am laughing hysterically over this! WEll. . .because I've been there! Not just pregnant. Since giving birth two times, my normal bladder just isn't what it used to be. I have been on the verge of chewing my belt off just to get my pants down and go! Be glad if it ONLY happens when pregnant:)

debsters said...

I L*O*V*E your honesty! We've all been there, thanks for the laugh.

Sarah said...

Much too funny Karen and all too relateable. Glad you didn't have to sneak out of the store!

Jan said...

I am laughing so hard that I might have head to the shower.

Kelly said...

I can totally see the visual on that story!

Thanks for the laugh on this nasty, rainy, no-more-vacation Monday.

So glad you had a wonderful time with your mom!

Anonymous said...

Since I get that you are all thirty years younger than me, I feel it is my duty to tell you that you will visit this whole miserable scenario again in your life and it won't have anything to do with being pregnant. There is more than one reason why old people wear pants with elastic waistbands! There seems to be an emergency that occurs when you get within five feet of the actual commode and belts and buttons are just not worth the panic.


Heather said...

OH man, did you have to rip it with your teeth?? Because that is the only way this story could get funnier!

Tharker said...

Thanks for the tip Anne. I look forward to it!

meohmyers said...

This was hilarious! Not only the visual of it happening to you, but being able to COMPLETELY relate to this story! #4 did my bladder a doozy, too, while pregnant! I remember that urgent feeling combined with panic and desperation to just make it to the toilet in time - with my pants down!! Ohhh, thanks for the laugh~!

Ms. Kristen said...

Sometimes I had to wear a pad during preg. so I wouldn't pee in my pants! Were you doing the potty dance? UHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHH! Gotta pee! Watch out!!! Here comes Karen!

hatch said...

You are soo funny! I know I say it everytime, but I know where to go when I need a good laugh!

On another note. I really am glad that it all worked out.

::DANDEE:: said...

Down with drawstrings!

Movie Queen said...

I love that that's the second post in a matter of months that's all about you peeing.

Melissa said...

Whew! I'm so glad you didn't have to sneeze... :)