Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Are You There IUD? It's Me, Karen

This morning I had an appointment with the good doctor to get things, ahem, reproductively PUT ON HOLD. These pipes are officially closed for business and I've been oh so anxious to have things permanently taken care of. (See: my husband's delay in getting a vasectomy equals me making other plans) I've recently been sung the praises of the IUD and decided that she and I needed to be better acquainted.

Dr. T was in the hallway as I rounded the corner and our relationship picked up where we last left off.

"Watch out for that one," he called to his nurse, "she's feisty."

I had sweet Austin with me (see: horrible, stupid, ridiculous idea) and was trying to balance him and all his stuff as I got down the reason for my appointment.

"I thought Brad was going in for a vasectomy?" the good doctor asked.

"You know how boys are about their junk" I replied.

"You know what I would love?" the good doctor said in between his laughter. "I would love a little miniature Karen doll that I could just pull a string on and one of your crazy comments would come out of it's mouth. I think it'd be a huge hit with my patients."

"I'll look into that for you" I said.

I read through the paperwork, stiffened at some of the side effects (severe cramping for up to 6 months? migraine headaches? unprovoked hormonal swings? Sounds peachy.) and signed the appropriate paperwork. I had hoped that Austin would be sound asleep by now but he was not. He had pooped, again, and I was without a diaper so he sang and squawked and sang some more.

And you know how fun it is to sit in a cold room with a napkin over your lap trying to hide your unmentionables? Well, it's even more fun sitting in a cold room with a napkin over your lap trying to hide your unmentionables AND wrestling a 6-month-old who currently outweighs Gary Coleman.

By the time we finally got started, I was drenched in sweat and cursing the vasectomy god's. Holding your baby while your feet are in the stirrups does not make for good times. Thankfully, the good doctor was swift and me and Mr. Coleman were out of there.

As soon as I reached the car I called my dear friend and begged her to come and babysit me since the cramping! oh the cramping! is unbearable. She offered to come to my rescue with Dr. Pepper and Salt & Vinegar chips in hand. Such a good, good friend.

I just may survive after all.


Annette Rose said...

Hey! I too would like a little mini Karen doll that would give me quick witted comments at the pull of a string! Let me know when I can pick one of those up!

AOlson said...

I'd buy a Karen doll for myself, too!!

I absolutley LOVE reading your blog:)

Sarah said...

Karen you always manage to put a funny spin on an otherwise miserable experience. That is a good quality to have! Hope you start to feel better soon.

Kelly said...

I so totally need that doll. I really do. :)

I can't believe you had cramps already by the time you got to your car. I hope they subside soon. Being a girl is no fair.

Your Gary Coleman comment made me laugh so hard I almost got cramps too. You are a funny gal. Feel better soon!

tharker said...

Oh, I'm feeling really bad right now. Cindy called this morning and told me that Kesley was sick, so I didn't go into the school after all. I TOTALLY should have called you and taken Austin. I'm sorry!

However, just think if I would have taken Austin for you, then we wouldn't be graced with this hilarious post....so really, I was doing all of your readers a favor! Just kidding!!

Let me know if you're low on D.P. or chips, and I'll stock ya up. And I would SO buy me a Karen doll!!

Heather said...

Oh my.

hatch said...

I think that the Karen doll is a great idea. I would buy one.
You crack me up!

Wife of a Snipped Man said...

I CANNOT believe that Brad is such a freaking wimp!!! Seriously??? You had four babies (which equates to 4 long-a** pregnancies, including hernias, and 4 experiences with post-baby body, which equates to mastitis galore and inexplicable evolutions in body structure that necessitate torturous exercise and mysterious diets! See if I have anymore cute, blonde babies with him... (Though apparently I could since he won't do his part in this whole gig!) Brad, brad, brad...

PRP said...

E-Dogg, the names you keep coming up for yourself are CRACKING ME UP.

Keep em' coming.

Michele said...

So, did you just have an exam or did you get the IUD? They have to mention every possible side effect. I'd do it if I could. See, you should of had the c-section the good dr offered, then you could have had a two-fer. I too think you are funny but a doll-if I could stick pins in it...KIDDING KIDDING KIDDING!!! You know how much I love you.

Sara said...

The pains of an IUD so worth it.

Amy said...

You are so funny!
Oh, the things we women go through.
and the things men DON'T.

Lauren said...

I love that the doctor said that! That is so awesome. So the IUD...worth it? Let me know.

Dandee said...

Hope you are feeling better! The Gary Coleman analolgy cracked me up.

debsters said...

I wish I could have helped with the baby, what else is there to do sitting in the waiting room for A VERY LONG TIME!!

It's always a laugh with Dr. T.

Andre said...

Have you heard of getting a babysitter BEFORE you go?

Alicia said...

I recently had my IUD replaced (oh, and btw, good choice. They are HEAVEN SENT. The cramping is oh so temporary. As are periods.) and it was so painful I was close to screaming. I would have dropped that baby you were holding. But that's all because of me and my cervical issues. Three cheers for IUD's!

Terilyn said...

Karen, I need to order a couple of "Witty Karen" dolls from you. One for my car, one for the kitchen, one for work, one for the bedroom - ok two of those - sometimes I need to say a little more when I'm in there.
Mike had a Vis after Briggy Boy, but only because I told him the nurse definately heard him promise to have one when I was in the throws of labor and she promised to be a defense witness if nessesary.

jacker said...