Fake It Till You Make It

Since this little bloggy came to be two and a half years ago, the one complaint I've heard time and time again is that blogging is fake. Fake, fake, fake with each author painting their own rosy picture of how they want others to view their life. I get that. It's true, to an extent. Each bloggy mama gets to weed through the stuff of her life and put out there what she wants to. Do I mention when my toy room is overrun with unfolded laundry? Or that it took every ounce of strength I have not to scream "BECAUSE! BECAUSE! BECAUSE!" at the top of my lungs to Sienna when she has asked me the 9 trillionth question of the day? Maybe, maybe not. It's all up to me and I love that. Me, me, me.

I've tried to be as authentic as possible in updating this lovely little essay on my life. If you peruse the archives, you'll find everything from stories of my uterus to love letters to my children to the gushiest posts about the Rizz. You'll find things that make me laugh and cry, stories that make me mad, and examples of my love of life and pure, pure joy. You'll even find of tale or two about that which makes me sad and scared, content and complete. Nothing is off limits, nothing is promised and nothing is perfect. But it's my life. The good, the bad and the very, very ugly.

Over the past few weeks, I've found myself doing some unnecessary editing. Something will happen and I find myself thinking "is this entertaining enough?" "Will people think this?" Or that? And do I care?

For example, the other day I was going to race home after visiting the Mariner caravan to say that my children won TWO of the FIVE raffles and came away with $200 worth of Mariner merch, which pretty much made my son's entire life, and then I thought "is that amazing enough? Does it separate my life from any other mommy blogger? And does that even matter?" I don't know. But it's so cool for an 8-year-old who IDOLIZES the Mariners that in it goes. Welcome to my life.

And then I wanted to mention how at the school board meeting, my husband was praised up one side and down the other by everyone at the district office, from the superintendent to the janitor and my eyes got all weepy because I was so happy that others view him as I do but I wavered for a second, thinking "does it sound like I'm bragging? Am I being too prideful?"

And then the words of the great Tina Fey came to me. In response to those who seemed determined to think ill of her, she said the following...

Suck it. Suck it. Suck it.

And my ah-ha moment began. The thing is, people are going to think whatever they want to think about me regardless of what I do. I can continue to try to be all things to all people or I can relish the skin I'm in and say in my loud booming voice THIS IS ME. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. I know full well what I write here, in my own personal forum, where I get to be authentically me and say whatever I please is not for everyone. And I'm okay with that. The question is, are you?

My character has recently been called into question and I've found myself juggling a million different emotions. I have laughed and cried, gotten angry and then felt sad but most importantly, I took a minute to examine who I am and you know what I found out?

I like her.

Are there things to work on? You better believe it. Do I have a lot to learn? Um, yeah. But am I doing my best and taking everything I can from the journey I've had so far? You betcha.

There are some blogs that I read regularly and I note that they have a very concrete feel to them. The stories may be different each day but the message is the same and the feeling I get from them constant. I love that. They are safe little places I can go to learn something new and yet feel completely at ease because it's all so familiar. My blog? I don't think so. I think most people turn up to see what in the world I'll say today. Will I mention my wombats? Will I praise my husband? Will I ache for my kids as they hold my entire heart in their tiny little hands? The emotions run high here and chaos is a common theme, but you are welcome to come see the goings on. Come to laugh, come to feel validated, come to see the parallels to your own life. This story is mine and I plan to continue to write it.

I guess what it comes down to is this: I am better at being me than anyone else. Nobody does me like I do and that's the best part. The learning, the growing, the figuring it all out. It's a journey and one that I am loving every second of. I have much to learn, of that I am sure, but please let me learn it.

As I have felt the emotions that come with being under attack, I have concluded one very important thing: as long as the man beside me and the kids below me are proud to stand at my side, I can handle anything. If lightning doesn't strike and I'm given another day to learn more, I will be grateful for the opportunity and continue on my merry way.

And it is merry, this life of mine. It is noisy and loud and chaotic and challenging and exhausting and joyful and full of love and perfect because it is mine. Thank goodness it's mine.