Tuesday, June 02, 2009

A Literal Pain In The Neck

Here's the thing about pain: it's really freaking painful.

Do you feel enlightened somehow?

And I don't really understand pain. It has no rhyme or reason. For example, you can birth a baby and go through the most horrendous pain of your life and then be almost completely over it once you hear the words "the shoulders are out!" But you can have the tiniest little hangnail on your ring finger that will drive you batty for days and will cause you to beg for mercy from the Good Lord above.

It makes no sense.

So my back. It's been killing me for days now. I can't really look to the right. I can't really look to the left. I certainly can't look down and don't even get me started on looking up. And you know what I did to cause this? This feeling of having an elephant park it's badonkadonk on my neck and poke at my shoulder blades with a 275 degree hot dog skewer?

I glanced at the clock.

I woke up Saturday morning, listened to my quiet house for a moment and wondered what time it was. I know! I thought. I will risk life and limb by glancing at the clock! So I did, and as I turned to the right, my upper back went snap-crackle-pop-crunch-crack-bing-bang-walla-walla-bingbang. And then I couldn't move.

Brad was out for an early morning ride and I laid in bed trying to figure out how to A) get out of bed, B) how to get my jammies on (oh-la-la) and C) how to lift Captian Weighs-A-Ton of the Peanut Butter Gang out of his crib.

And I didn't really have time to have a non-functioning back on Saturday because we were booked solid all day long. Baseball followed by school picnic followed by colleagues birthday dinner. So I layered on the Icy Hot and tried to go throughout the day.

By Sunday, it was worse. ( Hooray!) But my step-mother-in-law (say that three times fast) who is also a nurse visited for a few hours and she spent some time trying to massage the boulders out of my neck. It felt delightful while she was doing and felt horrible once she stopped. I hadn't slept much the night before due to the heinous pain so by Sunday night, after heating and icing and rubbing and lathering, I turned to the big guns: HYDROCODONE. It has always worked like a charm for me because it A) takes away the pain and B) knocks me out.

It did neither.

Monday morning found me calling the doctor begging for a muscle relaxer. At first they wanted me to come in but I told them I didn't think it was safe for me to get on the freeway since the range of motion of my head was approximately .2 degrees. They agreed and sent Flexeril to my rescue.

Ah! Flexeril! How I love thee! You saw me through my last two pregnanices when mondo belly was out of control. You loosened me up and made me sleep. You are my very own Holy Grail of Pharmaceuticals.

Just to be sure my good friend Flexeril would have some support, I slid more hydrocodone into the mix and waited. Waited for the pain to go away. Waited for sleep to come. Waited for my back to once again be a part of my body.

Yeah, about that. Nothing ever happened.

(Insert expletive here.)

I repeatedly rolled from side to side thinking that at some point, I would relieve the pressure and pain and fall fast asleep. But I didn't. At four this morning, I hauled my exhausted back busted body out of bed and watched The Bachelorette. (Is it just me or does everyone want to punch Wes and Dave in the face?)

At 8 am sharp, after being awake for four hours, I called the doctor's office and begged to be seen. Something had to be done because the pain was horrifying and my lack of sleep was equally horrifying. While I waited for them to call me back, I swung by a local chiropractors office to see what they could do.

Now I've never been to a chiropractor. They kind of freak me out. I've always thought that I would be that one person who tenses up at the exact moment they crack your back and I would end of paralyzed. But I was desperate.

They worked me in almost right away and I have to say, it helped. He did an x-ray and discovered that two bones of my rib cage are smashed together which is causing the concentrated spot of pain. Dr. Chiropractor said "do you carry anything heavy on your left side?"

Um, Captain Weighs-A-Ton? He's talking to you.

After much pushing and deep breathing and cracking and rubbing, and a few minutes with the "jackhammer" he sent me home. No more heat, he said. Lots of ice, lots of ibuprofen, lots of rest. I returned later in the afternoon for a repeat exam because the pain was so intense and I'm off again to see him in the morning. He said it may take two weeks for it to be completely better to which I replied "Hey Captain! LEARN TO FREAKING WALK."

The good news? Well, I can't think of any at the moment but I do hope that I'll sleep tonight. I'm upping the Flexeril and hydrocodone and praying that this elephant will find another neck to perch on. Wish me luck.


Mimi said...

Yikes!! I saw that you couldn't really turn your head, but MAN! I hope the chiropractor-hydro-flexeril cocktail works quick.

AOlson said...

If I hadn't just read about it, I would never have guessed it. You seemed fine on Saturday! What a good actress!!

So sorry about all of the pain. I have to say Kevin hates doctors, but LOVES his Chiro. Kevin has expereinced LOTS of back and neck pain and always with about a week or two of office visits he is good as new. Some people are afraid if the Chiro, I went to one the entire 9 months I was pregnant with Kayla and it was heavenly. No lower back pain AT ALL!!

Good luck, hope you feel better soon:)

Kelly said...

Ouch! Does it make you feel any better knowing that I will probably wake up with sore muscles from laughing so hard at this post. I'm sorry you are in pain, that part is not funny. I'm laughing at your take on the situation and your clever and funny writing ability. Feel better soon!!!!!!!

Connor said...

Uhhh... That's what you get for sleeping without your jammies!

Lisa said...

I am getting worried that something like that is going to happen to me because I have to carry Elisabeth around. Donald and I were just discussing it tonight in fact. She is getting SO heavy....but there is no choice but to carry her everywhere. And it's only going to get harder from here. Oh boy... :)

Get better soon!

Dandee said...

praying your getting some Zzz's as I type this.

Marilyn said...

Which chiropractor are you going to? you should really go see my brother because he's really good and he has this awesome table that stretches out your back, and obviously your back is out which is leading to the neck pain. And he is really good about ribs out of place. Mine go out often and he always gets them back where they need to be.

Call me if you want his number.

tharker said...

Well, I'll say one thing, your sense of humor is definitely still intact!

Here's to hoping you're pain free very soon, and Captain Weighs A Ton picks up that walking thing ASAP!

Sarah said...

That is crazy about your neck and your ribs! We as moms don't think about what lugging our large babies around really does to our bodies. I'll think about that next time I'm toting my thirty pound kid to and fro. Hope you find some relief soon.

Heather said...

Yeah, I was skeptical about chiropractors, but it was amazing the difference after two days with me. Darn bodies.

tharker said...

And yes, I'd love punch, slap, whack...whatever....to both Wes and Dave!

Middle Woman said...

I know some drug dealers, so I could score you some Oxy. They're approximately $80 per pill, though... but oxycontin would definitely kick the crap out of the ol' elephant.

Janna G said...

Ouch! I am such a wimp when it comes to pain. I love my Chiropractor. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Amy said...

Oh, how I feel your pain!!! This exact thing happened to me back in October, and I really mean exact. I leaned over to turn off my alarm and out went my neck and shoulders. It was a month before it was back to normal. And by normal, I mean I could turn my head without wanting to die. Jeremy was out of town and I still had little people to drive around and lessons to teach!
Hope you're feeling better soon. Chiropractors can work miracles.