Remember when I said that I was going to make this little space a piority? When I mentioned how much I missed writing and recording the stories of our family? When I vowed to carve out some time and share the things that are important to me and the things that aren't but that I want to remember anyway? When I swore to post pictures of the big things and the small things? Like Austin's first lost tooth or when my kids got on an airplane for the very first time?
I rememmber it too.
But as with everything else right now, my life is in the way of my life. I can't keep up. I can't proiritize. I can't even remmeber to buy milk. Somehow, in this quest to enrich our kids lives and give them opportunities to grow, we have worked ourselves into a pace that isn't sustainable. At least, not sustainable if you want milk in the fridge.
Here's what I know: I'm a horrible working mother. I'm a pretty decent stay-at-home mom but a working mom? I fail at least ten times a day. And so my hat is off to working moms everywhere (although truthfully, it always has been) because this stuff is hard. This remembering everything and organizing everything and keeping schedules straight and appointments made and who needs what and by when. Ugh, it's exhausting. And try as I might, I just can't seem to manage any of it. My fuse is shorter, my ehaustion is more palpable and my desire to keep it all going is nil. The stress of it all has worked it's way into my bones and muscles and I physically ache from the weight of our life.
Here's what else I know: this is not how we were intended to live our lives. Somewhere along the path of creating children who have honed skills and had life experience, we've booked ourselves into a literal corner with no easy way out. What do we cut out? Who gives up the thing they like to do? Which skill can wait to be worked on until later?
I have no idea.
Insomnia is another fun perk of this time in my life and as I layed awake last night, I tried to conjure up a plan of change. Spring is always our busiest season and I tried to carve out a way for us to negogiate it that will leave us filling renewed instead of empty.
I can give up coaching. I love Girls On The Run and I think it's a program that every girl, every child for that matter should go through. I love the extra time I get with my daughters and how I know the program so well that we've incorporated bits and pieces into our regular life. And it's been great this year to have the time with BOTH of my daughters. But it requires me being someplace at a certain time. It makes dinner look like cereal a whole lot more than anything else. It requires me to give of myself to girls who need it with love and an extra dose of cheer and enthusiasm. I love it. But it might be time to move on.
Brad could give up coaching. He loves it and with Spence being on his team next year, I'm sure he'll love it even more. But is it worth the things that he's missing? The long hours and the tournaments and the Saturdays away? Maybe. But maybe not.
I don't know what we'll do. I don't know if I've just felt the pace more acutely this year than in years past. I don't know if next year will feel differently but I know that I want to get back to being the mom I've always tried to be. The mom who has time to talk to her kids. The mom who makes meals that actually offer nutritional value. The mom that isn't frazzled. The mom who notices when we're out of milk.