Monday, November 27, 2006

Paging Karen and Dr. Turner To The Stage, Please

Today was second procedure day with Dr. Turner or the Squirt-Saline-In-My-VaJayJay Day as I like to call it. Just another one of those character building experiences my mother used to tell me about when I was thirteen, abnormally endowed, and sportin' headgear and glasses. I made it through that so I guess I can make it through this.

The procedure really wasn't all that bad. The most horrifying part was seeing all the large plastic sheets that had been laid out for my chock full uterus to use upon expulsion of all that freakin saline. There were a few highlights that even made me laugh.

Dr. Turner: "Wow, Karen, you've got one gaping uterus!"

Me: "C'mon, you say that to all the girls."

Dr. Turner: "Seriously, I'm not sure the saline will stay in okay or just come spilling out your gaping uterus."

Me: "You're killing me here. Would ya stop with the gaping already? "

Dr. Turner: "I'm not saying it's bad, just gaping."

Me: "Right. I feel so much better."

He continues to probe around my innards in search of the culprit that has held my uterus captive for all these months.

Turning to the tech and pointing at the screen he says "have you ever seen such a generous endometrium?" She nods her head in agreement.

Me: "Gaping uterus, generous endometrium??? Are you sure your qualified to be my doctor? As if I'm not feeling self-conscious enough, your verbage is KILLING ME."

Dr. Turner: "Right, gotcha, okey-dokey."

Me: "Did you just say okey-dokey???"

Dr. Turner to the nurse again: "She's like this every appointment. She's incapable of being serious. That's why she's my favorite."

He finishes his probe, commenting one last time what an easy procedure it was thanks to my gaping uterus and fills me in on his findings which turn out to be...exactly nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Dr. Turner: "Why don't you get dressed and will talk this over."

Me: "I'm busy leaking all over your floor at the moment and still have to get groceries. Can I continue to leak for a sec and we talk now? I'm not really down with washing the floors at WinCo with all this saline."

Dr. Turner: "Seriously, Karen, seriously."

We talked over my options again and he reiterates that because of my age, I'm at such a low risk for anything serious to be going on so he wants to try a three month round of birth control pills to see if that takes care of the problem. If it does, great. If not then I'm looking at my third fun procedure, the histrosonogram with D&C and biopsy, or the Fill-It-Up/Scrape-It-Out-Party as I like to call it.

So it looks like my uterine postings may be coming to an end. I know how sad you all must be but that's the way it goes. As for me and Dr. T, we'll be performing weekly at Jackson's Sports Bar.

41 comments:

Tharker said...

Your Va-JayJay stories are quite hilarious!(Dr. Bailey!) It was rather kind of Dr. T to permit you to continue to leak on his floor instead of WinCo. I'm glad he didn't find anything crazy, although it would be nice for you to know why your uterus is being held captive for ransom! Too bad the ransom money has to be your entire supply of blood!

Alicia said...

Vajayjay. I love it. Best line in a show, ever. I don't envy you. I always say the only thing worse than finding out something is wrong with you, is finding out nothing is wrong, they don't know what the heck the problem is. So, I may be totally out of the loop here, what is wrong that made you have to start all this stuff?

Anonymous said...

I can't believe all the humor you can find in a situation. My appointments are 180 degrees the opposite- but then again I don't fight back with Turner's wack-o comments.

Kim said...

You are hilarious. I needed that laugh this morning! Hope all is well.

emahaf said...

I am so glad everything went well. I think that you guys should hit the road with your act. Being a doctor and a mom could be quite the act. But on the serious side, I am glad they did not find anything.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure it wasn't your bajima?

You are a hoot! You are the ONLY person I know of that would be able to crack jokes during a vaginal exam. I'll be at Jackson's for your next show!

Seriously, glad to hear he didn't find anything abnormal!

Love ya,
Kel

PS..you were an adorable 13 year old!

Anonymous said...

Does you Dad read your blog? Just curious. :)

SO your on the pill now, that sounds too obvious. Why wasn't that ever an option oh lets say 6 months ago????

bek

Anonymous said...

I hope you are perfoming at Jackson's on a Wednesday night. It will be a good comedy routine to compliment the all you can eat wings. You could call it the wings and Vajayjay monologue

Nicole said...

I am seriously taking you, not my husband, to my next uncomfortable procedure!

brojonel said...

I think next time I have my special doctor appt I am going to think you of you and your exchanges with the doctor- to take my mind to a better place.

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