Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Wathca Gonna Do

A few weeks ago, Brad woke up one morning chuckling to himself. He had a sheepish grin on his face as he got out of bed so I asked him what was so funny. He told me nothing, that he'd just had a funny dream and headed to the shower, still smiling like he had a secret joke. Not wanting to miss out on anyone's funny, I prodded him some more.

"It's no big deal," he said, "I just had a dream."

"About what?" I asked.

"Um, nothing really. It just involved a cop."

"A cop? What were you doing? Were you being chased?"

"Sort of," he says, laughing some more.

As he gets into the shower, it dawns on me what kind of cop, it was.

"Was it a FEMALE cop?" I asked suspiciously.

"Uh, yeah, he he."

(I can practically hear Beavis chiming in.)

Deciding to play along, I say "were you being naughty?"

He just pulled the shower curtain aside and grinned.

I know of several wives who would be mortified to think of their husband having, you know, DREAMS, about another woman, but I took this as my own secret supply of ammo and fired shots all day long.

"Were you hiding a concealed weapon?" I said over breakfast.

"Did she cite you for packing heat?" I questioned at lunch.

"Did she have to give you a full body search?" I said as we got into bed that night.

You get the picture.

Fast forward to last night, where, as I was out having some mommy time, the idea dawned on me that maybe I should pick up a nice nightie or something so that my husband will stop dreaming about local law enforcement. I started looking around hoping I could find something classy and sophisticated but what I mainly came across was a little too Fredricks of Hollywood for my taste. Finally I came across some nice, simple, classy nightgowns that I knew Brad would appreciate.

I choose something nice and went home. As I got ready for bed, I put on my new jammies and literally laughed out loud.

The transformation of my body since three children passed through it is frightening. Sure, I have some extra poundage here, a little roll there and what not, but that's not what I mean. Certain PARTS of my body have literally taken up residence in a whole new area and the look is well, AWESOME.

After rearranging said parts several times in my new jammies, I finally decided there was nothing more I could do. I headed out of the bathroom to Brad who, bless him, said
After spending several minutes showing him the absurdity of my new "assests", he told me I looked like Janet Jackson. Cuz that's what I've always wanted to hear.
I think he'd be better off with a state trooper.


Alicia said...

Oh my gosh, that is so funny he dreamed about a female cop. The female cop I see in his dream is not a real cop at all but a stripper dressed up like a cop. What a good wife you are to reward his dirty dream about someone else with a sexy nightie. And I hear you on the assets. There is at least one benefit to having some extra poundage. Or should I say two!?

Heather said...

Alicia, there is no plus to gaining weight when you were huge to begin with. It just makes it that much worse!

Seriously, do they not think anyone who buys lingerie has a boobs bigger than a kiwi??

Yes, that was boobs not BOBS.

Puerto Rican Princess said...

A kiwi? I LOVE IT! Totally cracked me up.

And yes, Alicia, I completely picture stripper cop, not defender of justice cop. It makes it that much funnier!

Marilyn said...

Yay, you found your funny! I really love this story, and that you are brave enough to share it with us.

Nicole said...

HA! Brad = funny!

dandee said...

That is funny! I picture that stripper cop from "Days of Thunder" with Tom Cruise. Way to go Brad! Karen you are a much better wife than I am, rewarding that behavior!

superbrad9 said...

Karen is a great story teller, isn't she? I'm glad that my embarrassing moments can be shared with a bunch of women that will go tell their husbands the story. I am going to start making stuff up just so Karen will have some funny stuff to write about....Stay tuned.